bittersweet

April 7, 2009 • 5 comments • 1016 views

I’m trying not to show it, but I’m finding it really difficult to leave London. It’s getting closer now, and it’s getting harder.

I can’t imagine not walking down the streets of London, the open structure of shops and restaurants along the street. The red bus. The efficient tube (except the Circle Line). The nice flat. The amazing restaurants. Harrods. Oxford Street. Bond Street. Hyde Park. Odeon. Nando’s Bayswater. The countless lunches and dinners with friends.

But one thing that I dread the most is: leaving Dean behind.

It’s so scary to think about having a long distance relationship. The last one I had ended up in lies and cheatings, but I know I won’t have to go through that with Dean. I know we can do it, we’ve been through so much already. It’s not the strength of our love I’m worried about, it’s not the fear of us ever parting ways. But it’s the pain of missing him every second.

If I say he is the best boyfriend ever, it’s unprovable because of the impossibility of measuring such a thing. But if there ever was a measure, I’d be shocked not to see his name somewhere at the top of the list. You have no idea how good he is to me, how much he has proven his love for me, and how much I value this relationship, this friendship.

Young love, they say. But it’s much more than that. I know we’ll make it to the end. But it’s the waiting that sucks.

So, I admit, I’ve been trying to think of ways to delay my stay in London. I’ve applied for internships and even applied for Masters in Cass Business School, one of the best in London (and surprisingly, the only school that offers the course I wanted).

I’ve pondered long. And I’ve decided.

As much as I love Dean, my family needs me back. Now, or later, we still have to come to that road where we’ll be miles apart. So, trying to delay it won’t make much difference. Making my dad pay thousands of pounds for my extended stay in London would truly be selfish and heartless.

Dean is supportive of what I’ve decided. He knows how much my family means to me, but mostly he is sure. Sure of us, sure of our future. Distance might tear our bodies apart, but it won’t tear our love apart. We’ll just power through, and it’s the trust that’ll keep us going. Instead of being sad, we’ve decided to just be excited for the future, whatever it may be.

After deciding that, I received this email.

cassoffer

I got the offer.

Words cannot express my feelings right now. At this point, most people would be jumping up and down with relief and excitement, but that would be pointless for me. A part of me wishes I didn’t get the offer; it’s a lot less painful knowing that I had no choice.