faking it
June 6, 2009One of the reasons my parents sent me abroad was to be more exposed and learn different cultures. I certainly learned an importance difference straight away.
There were actually places where you can get darker skin. They’re called tanning salons. Bizarre, isn’t it?! In Asia, the fairer you are, the more beautiful you are perceived to be. That’s why you only see whitening creams and all sorts of treatments that can make you look like a ghost. Here, whitening creams are unheard of. Only bronzing lotions, dahling.
So, in spirit of British-ness, I decided to get a fake tan. I saw an ad in Grazia, and thought hmm…maybe I’ll give it a shot. I’m leaving London soon anyway, when else can I get it done? So, today, one of my goals in life was checked; to get a fake tan once in my life just so I know what it feels like, before I judge those orange Hollywood stars.
This is one thing I love about being a writer/blogger. You can do stupid things like these and call it “research“.
The lady on the phone seemed to know that this was my first time. Perhaps my asking millions of questions blew my cover. Is it safe? What colour can I get? How long does it last? How long is the procedure? Any side effects? Will it streak? What happens if I don’t like it? Have you seen F.R.I.E.N.D.S? The part where Ross gets a tan and it turns out to be a disaster? Yeah, that won’t happen right?
Hehe.
Basically, yes it’s safe. They only had one colour – natural brown. It lasts about 5-7 days. It’s only 15 minutes. No side effects. Streaks only if you rub or put water while it’s trying to dry. She doesn’t know what will happen if I don’t like it. She does not watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (gasp). Yes it’s safe. No, no one has gotten skin cancer. Yes it’s safe, mam. Do you want to do this or not? (I could feel her rolling her eyes this time)
Sheesshh, PMS.
So yes, today I went for my appointment and was introduced to this machine.
One thing I didn’t realise was that I had to take off my clothes. I wanted to slap myself silly for not spotting the obvious, but the lady assured me that she sees naked bodies a million times a day and that she promised she wouldn’t laugh. After she pinky-sweared me, I slowly and nervously took off my clothes.
I had to stand in front of this machine with arms up, and had to turn here and there so she could spray every tiny inch of my body. It was quite embarrassing really.
She tried to calm me down by starting conversation. But I was like uhhh it’s hard to answer your question when you’re eye-level to my you-know-whats. It was awkward with a capital A.
When she was done spraying, she told me to stay in the room for a while to let it dry. I looked in the mirror and thought wow this is nice! I was tanned, and just slightly sun-kissed, looking like I just went on a beach holiday for a few days. I loved it.
That was because the room was dark.
I started my way home thinking that I looked great, and that people were staring because they were jealous.
Then I got home and looked at the mirror. I panicked. OMG, I look like I’m auditioning for Slumdog Millionaire. I panicked and told Stella, and she said “Oh it’s OK. Freida Printo is really pretty!”. Errr Stell, there’s nothing Freida Pinto about me right now.
I looked like this.
Natural brown, your head!
I loved how my arms and legs looked, but my face was completely shiny!!
Stella came over straight away, partly because she was busybody and wanted to remember this day (haha) and partly because she was worried I had turned into coal.
I washed my feet because there was some tanning liquid stuck on the soles, and some water splashed onto my calves and made streaks! Not even an hour after the lady sprayed me, I already managed to make streaks! I was so upset. I wish I could show you pictures, but it’s just too funny.
I thought the colour would just blend and settle, but after 5 hours, the streaks were still obvious.
The lady told me that I should only shower the next morning, but I decided to defy her instructions. I was staining everything I wore, can you imagine how dirty my bedsheets would be tonight? I’d have to sleep standing up for 8 hours!
So I showered, fingers crossed that my tan wouldn’t completely disappear. My god, the water was completely brown, it looked as if I hadn’t showered for 5 years! I took a deep breath and braved towards the mirror.
PHEW!! Now it’s just perfect.
The tan got lighter and I look more like the old me, just fresh off my yacht holiday in Monaco. Just in case anybody asks.
So now I’ve experienced first-hand what a tanning session feels like. It’s a lot of hassle just to look darker. I’d rather just sit in the middle of the field with a good book, and let the sun work its magic. Ugh, but that involves sweating.
Screw it, I’d rather just be pale. I’m happy with the way I am, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Now I can judge those orange Hollywood stars who don’t love their own skin.
Viv. You are too funny!
Gosh! This is hilarious! Ur updates help us , the unlucky ones who still have examssssss! π
OMG beek… you… are… brown…! >.<\
You are brown!\
You are brown!\
How can you be brown?! I won't recognise you now. I am only acquainted with the pale tofu looking girl with the blonde hair. Please fade before you come back to KL. \
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By the way, did I not tell you about my tanning lotion incident? Bought a tube of tanning lotion when I was in Melb. It promised me that I would look like a sun-kissed goddess. And guess what? I LOOKED LIKE I WAS JAUNDICED okay! I think this was back in school, way back when I was more idiotic and shallow, thinking that a tan would make me, I dunno, a Brazillian model. Pfft.\
The result?\
I WAS YELLOW, MY CLOTHES WERE YELLOW, I HAD WATER STREAKS EVERYWHERE… Sun-kissed goddess my foot! I looked like a diseased worm.\
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I'm not saying you look diseased hehe. That was me.\
You, on the other hand, look a tiny bit Malay for once, and not Mat Salleh π
OMG I’ve always wanted to try the whole fake tan thingamajig. But le sigh I’m already so brown so I’d prolly turn orange like Donatella Versace instd π But was it ticklish? Like when the sprays of liquid got onto uhhh the ticklish parts of our body? Sorry I damn jakun π
OMG beek… you… are… brown…! >.<\
You are brown!\
You are brown!\
How can you be brown?! I won't recognise you now. I am only acquainted with the pale tofu looking girl with the blonde hair. \
Please fade before you come back to KL.
haha that’s ok. i’m not a very ticklish person, so it didn’t tickle me. but it was very soft, not like hard on spray so it shouldn’t be a problem even for ticklish people. \
you should try it! just for the fun of it. it was horrible the first day, but i totally love it now after taking that shower!
I am born brown and never appreciate it at all,i hate it with all my guts.Well,its typical since I live in malaysia and as you said ppl here long for fairness.but this post makes me feel happy,for once.So thank you. π
PD (or should I call you Lakshmi?HAHAHA!),\
You are so funny.\
\
Love,\
Boot
aww deera, you should always love your your skin!\
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lakshimi also can la.
Omg. You… are… brown! BROWN! \
How can that be?! Got tired of the pale tofu look? Can you please put up the FADED-tan photo so I know how you really look, cos the pre-fade one is just… gulp…. I don’t know, way too “burnt”. You look more Malay than Mat Salleh for once though, hehe.
Where’re d pictures??!!
I want to see picturesss!!
OMG i cant believe i missed this post, this is beyond hillarious!! LOLing so much im having stomach cramp! Hahahahahhaha