change of heart
June 1, 2011We’ve all been to weddings and there is no wedding that isn’t a happy occasion. People laughing, bride and groom holding hands, everyone’s on Cloud 9 mood except the parents who’ve just spent a bomb on something of 3 hours.
But that’s just on one night of their marriage.
They’ve got a gazillion more days to go. And some days are going to be rocky.
More and more now, we’re seeing divorce cases in the papers and it’s really scary. What is it about that bond that just kills all the romance? Cheating husbands, complacent wives, abusive partners, what is going on? Pre-marriage, it’s all about being in love and I’m sure no one would give themselves to a person for eternity had they known their partners had all these suspicious traits. So it must be the case that marriage turned them into something else.
Was it because they didn’t have enough fun and rushed into marriage? I find that ridiculously stupid, but some people actually use that excuse. I find men like that sound like 10 year olds. They should really grow balls. You make your bed, you lay in it. Everyone’s in it together. Husband, wife. You lean on each other in good and bad times, and mature together. It should be a step forward, not looking back at your clubbing days and wanting that as well. You can’t have both! Carefree childish fun AND having to be a good Muslim leader to a Muslim family. Are you nuts?
I’ve even heard of a guy cheating on his pregnant wife, and on the day of her labour, he said to her, “I’m leaving you. I’m sorry.” and just walks out of her life without seeing the newborn child. The wife had to go through labour and confinement alone, and he doesn’t even bother giving nafkah. You impregnate her, she gets a bit fat during her pregnancy, you go find someone else to have fun with and you leave your wife. Does he regret it? Hell no, he is now living with his new girlfriend. He has definitely moved on and is happier than ever, without realising what an asshole he still is. And that’s really sad when you’ve come to a state that you don’t even realise you’ve done something HORRIBLE.
Another story I’ve heard is a guy turning to booze, weed and girls to fill his time. When he travels overseas, he checks into a hotel with a girl. And this guy’s got kids who look up to him. If only they knew! He’s come to a point where he’s a bit lost in life and doesn’t know what he wants. Uh, dude…if you’re not even sober and surrounded by substances, it’s pretty difficult to even walk straight let alone plan out your life. I mean, primary school 101, hello.
Does marriage really change a person?
Put yourself in these women’s shoes. If your husband who you adore and love and spend your time raising his kids suddenly look to you and says, “I got married too early” or “I’ve found someone else”, what on earth do you do then? Worse still if you’re a Muslim, and your heartless husband continues his ways, having private prostitutes/girlfriends + booze party getaways with friends, yet refuses to divorce you. (In Islam, divorce is solely the husband’s right, unless you want to contest it in court…not sure about other religions)
I never wish this on me or anyone in this world to suffer like that. But the reality is that there are a lot of hung marriages like that where the husband is selfish and wants the best of both worlds. And then who gets AIDS? The innocent wife, of course. Someone should really smack their heads off. I wonder if there’s any way that the wife can get away from husbands like these in Islam? I heard it’s really difficult for the wife to get a divorce on these grounds, but come on….clearly unfit to be a leader of a family, don’t you think? I’m sure Islam recognises that!
Whoaa! This is very deep PD!
Men who behave as stated above don’t deserve any woman, in all honesty. Sadly in the world we live in today, women cheat, mislead and are dishonest too. It’s a painful reality.
V, Women have rights to divorce too in Islam provided there’s a very very good reason (mental or physical abuse for example and many other).
The basic principle is that it is not permissible for a woman to ask for divorce unless there is a reason for that. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: โAny woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no reason, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.โ Narrated by Ahmad (21874), Abu Dawood (2226) and al-Tirmidhi (1187); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwaโ al-Ghaleel (2035).
But there something call KHULA. Some Jurists referred to it as “ransoming and freeing.”
Its legal status
If the discord between the two spouses becomes strong and there’s no way to bring about a reconciliation while, at the same time, the wife desire to separate. It is permissible to her to “ransom” herself from her husband by paying him a sum money in exchange for the harm that he will face due to their separation. See (Quran 2:229)
Ibn Abbas narrated that the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas came to Prophet (SAWS) and said O Messenger of ALLAH, I have no complain against Thabit with respect to his religion or his character but i fear being ungrateful. The Messenger (SAWS) said ” will you return to him his garden ” She said, Yes. She returned it to him and he(prophet) ordered him to separate from her.
Hope this suffice! ๐
In Islam divorce IS a woman’s right to especially if it affects her safety, dignity and her kids! Don’t know where u heard that it’s solely the husband’s right… =S
A good post, very passionate. Truth is, the world isn’t all glitz and glam and there are very heartless people out there. Marriage takes a lot of effort – my mum tells me this.
A lot of people get into marriage thinking – yes, nothing can go wrong. But truth is, marriage is the BEGINNING of everything. It’s not easy, it’s tough but u need to put in all the effort there is to keep it strong.
And it’s not JUST the men. Women do many horrible things too! Yes, believe me. I’ve heard of many stories, too. ๐
Such people who treat their wives horribly or husbands never be happy in this life or the next.
http://www.riskofrain.com
one more thing, yeah our Islamic departments in M’sia are ‘unfit’ in my opinion. They’re very unjust at times and act very unaccordingly to PROPER Islamic laws. Islamic laws in its core is very just and respects the rights of all.
But in Malaysia… well, u get Islamic scholars who act on their whims and fancies instead. very very sad! I mean look at how dealt with the ‘Allah crisis’. They blew it out of proportions. Christians have the right too! I’m Muslim btw (if that’s any relevance).
http://www.riskofrain.com
And here’s a better understanding on Al-Khul (KHULA) which means to take off (separation). A wife from the husband. Have a read. It’s very good since it has all the sahih hadith and Qoran in there which are of course realiable.
http://www.themuslimwoman.com/marriage/khula.htm
AGREE with RS.
If u find out on how many pending divorce cases in Shariah court… (it’s common for the cases to be postponed for YEARSSSS!especially involving fasakh cases; husbands M.I.A la, refuses to turn up to court and whatnots)
Islam has provided perfect guidelines in protecting women’s rights but the sad thing in our country is when bureaucracy intervenes plus inefficiency in handling divorce cases, many single mothers are suffering.
I seconded N and RS! In this case in term of Msia’s ruling based on Islamic law! It’s sad.
This is quite a deep post, and an interesting read. I agree with the comments above, Islam provides many guidelines to protect a woman. Another thing that it provides for women, as well as the khula, is to dictate what is written in her marriage contract. She can write that if the husband does such as such, the contract will be broken between them.
Also, even before a women enters into a marriage with a man, she must find someone suitable.. in religion and character first, then anything else. The prophet saw said that there are many reasons for marriage, but the best is to marry someone who has good faith and proper character. When you start your life keeping Allah in mind, He will protect you throughout and bless your marriage life and your family life.
If we forget Allah with regards to everything else, then how do we expect Him to protect us and bless us? It doesn’t really make sense, does it? ๐
MARRIAGE is the beginning. your other half suddenly turned to someone you hardly recognise. one day you discovered that he’s cheating on you and he said “it’s because you never care or get jealous when I’m with my friends” or “oh it’s because you can’t afford to give me a child”. when you give them the freedom, they blame you. when you start asking, they say you’re controlling. but yeah, there are women who turned their backs too. complaining about their husbands and family in-laws when things are not that bad. people need to really understand the huge responsibility that religion has put on each man and woman in marriage.
hi V, i’m new here..well this post is kinda deep coming from a person, who is not even married yet..but in a way, its good to know you have that maturity in you thinking of all these things…
as how RS, hana, n wrote earlier, its true..women do has their rights in divorce as well, try and look upon “fasakh and taklik” that covers for women rights…
marriage-life is not easy (how most of our parents would say to newly-weds) but its goes all back to the wife and husband, how would you want your marriage life to be…you can’t pin-point to one party if they screwed-up..it takes to tango =D and its true…
Vivy,
You might want to read this
http://alternativeentertainment.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/whats-love-got-to-do-with-it-2/
and this
http://genta-rasa.com/2011/04/11/dia-bukan-cinta-nombor-1/
i love this vivy.super duper love this entri.
Hey babe. Such coincidence, I wrote a similar post in my blog yesterday. But that aside.
I really liked this post of yours, hence my first comment ever. Thumbs up for being able to convey what’s actually going on OUT there.
Although Islam defends its women, our Syariah lawyers don’t. I was raised in a broken home, by a single mother. I saw her going back and forth to Syariah courts, paying lawyers’ bills just so that she could fight for some nafkah money for us four siblings. And although she was very determined to win the case, we haven’t heard any results until today and it’s been 16 years now. Whenever she inquires about her case, the lawyers would past remark between themselves and advised my mother to forget about it as there seemed to be bigger cases than hers and she should be actually be ‘grateful’. I think the crux of the matter is that these lawyers are just pretty damn occupied in making big bucks out of divorce cases for well-known celebrities and ignores the minorities.
Just like you, I’m terrified that whatever took place between my parents (the women, lies, cheating, divorce) would be experienced by yours truly as well. I’m not asking for it, but there’s still possibilities for it to happen right? Heck I’m in a abusive relationship right now and I still stick around, because I think that he would change …. he has though, and I hope that he continues to be better.
Since there’s no cure for today’s fucked up men, women should take care of themselves in terms of protecting our iman and career, because at the end of the day, these two would save us. Never underestimate the power of doa and Allah Himself.
Take care babe.
oohh..what a topic..i just come to the situation like this last nite. just wanna share with others..last nite when i was with my friend at bus station, an amoi (yes she is Chinese) come to me and ask my opinion. she looks terrible with her eyes look likes she been crying i dunno for how long. she said that she left her 3 and 18 month babies with her husband, since she cant stand his gambling habits. she keep on crying and dunno what to do. she said she bought a ticket to her hometown but when the husband called her and she heard the baby crying, she change her minds. but still she cant take the babies with her, she’s not working and she cant afford to take care of them. yet she dont want to go back to him, as she want to give him a lesson. poor her is it? the children are guilty. i hope her husband will change his attitude and they could built a happy life together.
Hey all,
How about when the wife refused to submit to the husband after a hard day at work. Is it okay if the man to go look else where? Is it fair? Why is woman being treated so low?
I guess this is what happens when you get married because of lust (be it lust for beauty or wealth)
if you marry because of Him, this won’t be a problem
plus wives forget that they belong entirely to their husbands, full stop. No question. No need to whine why we must give ourselves to our husbands even when we’re tired. We are obligated to. Allah said so. Who are you to argue?
So go find husbands who lives by Allah’s rule. Don’t go find boyfriends because he comes from a wealthy family or because he treats you fine. Kalau sebelum kawin dah dok pegang pegang raba raba gatal gatal, you expect him to lead you in married life? pfft!
That’s why I believe every woman should be well educated. It builds the very foundation of your life, be it a single or married one. I was one of those women whose husbands cheated. And this was after 7 years of being together and 6 months of marriage. Yes it all came crashing down a mere 6 months later when I found out that there was someone else. Many of my friends and heck, even my family urged me to stay on, but I refused. I had the “luxury” of not having kids with him and I had always told myself that once a person cheats, thats it, I can never trust him again, thats just the way I am. And so, after 7 years, and a big expensive wedding, I left. And I have never been more relieved. I had a good job to support me, and just one year down the road, I found THE ONE and we;re now married and I’m expecting our first child ๐ Bottomline is, never have 100% dependency on your spouse. Im not saying that all men may one day cheat, but Im saying that women should always, ALWAYS have the means to fend for themselves without having to depend solely on their spouses. I am no longer working now, as I am fortunate enough that the husband can provide for us both, but should anything untoward happen *Touchwood*, I have my post grad qualifications and my brains to tide me over, God willing.
WELL DONE you mommy2be! I couldn’t agree more. Your career is the most loyal thing you truly own!
Hello V… big fan of your blog ! hehehe (blush)
Anyways…back to the topic on changing of heart, depressing right V when this stuff surface. I know i know..
In the name of love, sometimes people (not all) tend to only want to believe what they want to believe. Love is blind … so they say. Like hoping for a change in the attitude and character of their partner after marriage, (when deep down their heart they know it will never happen) for the sake of LOVE…so they say! (u wish u could just shake them hard enough to wake some sense in them rite?)
And there are also times where we heard people say that marriage is a calculated risk. In some cases which is true…Like those unfortunate individuals who encounter partners that turned abusive (physically/verbally) after marriage… Not to mention those who are unfaithful etc…I think thatโs the case why many of my colleagues would rather remain single. Hmmm.. Somehow it scares them. Canโt blame them, i do, even though i am married with two kids hehehe…
A wife can leave the husband/seek divorce if he is deemed as unfit/irresponsible SOB, which is why it is important to pay attention to the taklik and fasakh part of the aqad, and not just the sah, sah, sah part.
Islam holds women in a very special place – we even have our own chapter in the quran, but it is our own lack of knowledge that leaves us ignorant and unaware of our own rights.
So to all women, muslims or nonmuslims, edumacate yourself on your own rights because if we don’t take care of ourselves, you can be sure no one else will.
Hello vivy,
i never really posted any comments before, but i feel like sharing my thoughts this time. yes, i admit, divorce is turning into a norm these days. people always search for the core of the problem based on looking at the life of post-marriage, when they’ve forgotten how important pre-mariage is. Rasulullah S.A.W had given us the guidance in choosing our spouse, n the most important trait is religion, as it is important for us to love and marry someone because of Allah. and another interesting fact which i never really thought about before, not until i read it from an article, is that, usaha sebenar dalam mencari jodoh = correcting ourslef first and trying to become a better person, cz as stated in Quran;
“Perempuan-perempuan yang keji adalah untuk laki-laki yang keji, dan laki-laki yang keji untuk perempuan-perempuan yang keji (pula), sedangkan perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk laki-laki yang baik, dan laki-laki yang baik untuk perempuan-perempuan yang baik (pula). Mereka itu bersih dari apa yang dituduhkan orang. Mereka memperoleh ampunan dan rezeki yang mulia (surga).” – [Surah An-Nur, 24: 26]
so make sure that we pick the right choice before marrying someone.
and i must say that when u reach a certain age, 20s usually, people tend to have this high desire to marry someone as they only see the sparkle of happiness that is being portrayed by every married couple on their wedding day,(especially with the flooding of remarkable wedding videos on the internet hehe, me being one of the victims) or probably because of peer/community pressure, but not looking and thinking far from that, the life of a married couple. but yes, some stuff may not go the way we want them to be, might be possible that ppl change, but, boleh jadi kita suka kepada sesuatu tapi ia tidak baik bagi kita, n boleh jadi kita benci pada sesuatu tapi ia adalah tebaik buat kita, cz He knows us best.
n thank u for sharing ur thoughts n amazing life routine, n pls keep on writing ๐
contrary to popular belief, brain power and logic alone is not enough when u want to discuss about religion that is Islam..
Leave the fatwas and rulings to the qualified people/ulama who has dedicated their lives in learning and studying of Islam..
i doubt any Ulama read this blog haha, so i assume everyone is talking out of their behind when trying to explain various aspects of Islamic rules/law..
so, let us stick to fashion, hot chicks and gossips pls ๐
oh on a lighter note.. here’s my take on relationships and marriages and the fundamental problem of it all..
Women expects Men to change after marriage
Men expects Women to stay the same after marriage
see the problem here.. Men stays the same and Women change.. ditto!
Hey Vivy,
I agree with what Aisya said above, Islam in itself is meant to protect women, but unfortunately, in Malaysia, the Islamic laws itself is distorted at times, and gives all the benefit to men. Why do I say this?
I saw my mum suffer, going to court, finding lawyers and trying to convince the court to give her the ‘fasakh’ after her husband left her. He literally left home one day and never came back. This is on a background of us finding out a year earlier that he had another ‘secret family’ without telling us. So for a year, my mum tried to make it work until one day he just left us. They were married for 23 years before he decided to walk out on us, and we haven’t heard from him since. No nafkah, no support, nothing.
So yes, to me, Islam is fair, but the laws in Malaysia makes it unfair for women. Which is unfortunate. Hopefully one day this will all change.
joni goonah – i am not a muslim and may not relate much to this post, but still i find you shallow.
life is not all about fashion, hot chicks and gossips, himbo!
Kayla C – I second you about that.
This post is actually very informative. As a Muslim myself, if Vivy didn’t even bring up this issue, I would never know that women actually could ask for divorce in Islam.
This is a very deep post Vivy. Thank You for bringing this up. At least now I know! ๐
Having all daughters and no sons, my father has early on told us that our rights as women in this country are going to be limited and that basically, all men are assholes and he knows this because he’s a man, and it doesn’t matter if we don’t get married because men are dicks anyway (well, quote is paraphrased).
I’m sorry to say that I’m not the best Muslim, so i was never sure which parts of it were Islam in nature and which parts of it were rigged by our lovely ketua-ketua agama to keep the patriarchal system dominant. But reading the comments on this entry has honestly lightened my heart a little, knowing that other people has done the research for me (hehe) to defend the integrity of Islam. Being able to immerse yourself in your religion is a beautiful thing though I never did quite get the whole ‘never question God’ stance, but that’s a whole different matter. It’s great that at the very least a handful of your readers prove to be a knowledgeable and inquisitive bunch Vivy ๐
Dear Vivy,
How I wish i have my Islamic Family Law notes with me now from uni years… unfortunately the termites love them more huhu otherwise i could have given u something… It has been more than 10 years since I studied this subject, the info is there somewhere in my brain/head but when we are dealing with Quranic verses, hadith sohih and views of the ulama’, i prefer to quote them right… So, i will not go there..
But the references on this subject are aplenty… as women, we need to equip ourselves with knowledge so that we know our rights… and refer any doubts to CORRECT scholars… we are so bound by culture that many of us (incl. me) could not differentiate between what is actually islamic/sunnah and what is culture…
Prophet Muhammad SAW is the ultimate feminist… so it’s just unfair to say women have no rights in Islam… i know i have gone out of topic but my point here is equip ourselves with knowledge…
Take care everyone!
I don’t know how you can call having to submit yourself to your husband at all times except when ur having ur period, fair. That does not ring of any fairness whatsoever or rights on the part of the woman.
Wonderful post Vivy ! Well done !
that is way Iman is the main thing. always find a beriman husband or wife..to lead a marriage life into eternity.
hi vivy! this is really enlightening! once someone told me that he wants to get married yet he wants to have fun (by fun i meant the clubbing life, alcohol etc). and when i told him to stop, he said y bother? he’s a weekend husband now btw and his wife wont be around to know what he actually does on the weekdays (clearly this baffles me as he and his wife before they were married, have been together for nearly 8years. wife, ignorant?)
my conclusion would be..someone need to smack all these people with a dose of reality.
thats life… so deep
truly love this entry PD! well said and written!
I was there, n i know how it felt when an asshole husband said (after 2 kids!):
1. “actually i was not ready to get married, u forced me to” (wtf kan? sape yg lafaz akad? i did not kidnap him to marry me!)
2. “we were not meant for each other” (ya rite! after 2 kids??)
3. “u cheated on me once wen we were still gf-bf, so this is a karma” (trying to give an excuse for him to cheat in his marriage)
4. “she understands me more n helped me a lot in my business.. she gave me money, did u give any?” (such a dayus statement from a man called husband.. expecting money from his woman! such an opportunist!)
5. “i never want the 2nd baby.. u conned me” (agagagagaga… funny! u think i could raped him??)
and bla bla bla… the list goes on! too many had been said actually! he even divorced me wen i was pregnant! n not a cent of nafkah throughout the marriage.
but PD, right now, i thank god that i was given the strength to move on.. n there’s a blessing in disguise.. i’ve found the right person now.. who loves me n my kids and accepted me for wat i am.. syukur..
to all ladies out there, if u ever come across a man like this, do fight for your rights. If he doesnt want to divorce u, just file your case in court. it may takes years if he doesnt wan to divorce u.. but insyaallah the time will come. the most important thing is, a woman has to be smart in order to make things right and back in order.. insyaallah.. ๐
Don’t get married. As simple as that. Understand that this may not be a lifestyle choice for most people but at least you are free. The idea of being shackled to any man is definitely more than I can bear.
Banyaknya exaggeration in this ‘true’ story:)
Wow, this is the first time I have visited your blog (thanks to your fabulous article in The Star :D) and the first post I read just hits me like a thunderbolt.
I’m a young mom of two…and a divorcee. My ex-husband is still the father of my children, and I hesitate to talk badly about him in any way because of that, but the reasons for him leaving are pretty typical (as per what you wrote in your post). I was “lucky” in a way, because we split rather amicably due to him being the one who wanted to end it, but I have friends going through horrid marriages and feel “stuck” because of the tricky legal system. The truth is, it is not impossible for a woman to ask for divorce in Islam…it is just a lot more difficult.
Anyhow, you can now consider me a fan! Such a lovely, eloquent way of describing a very sad sad issue in our society today ๐
(p.s: For the record, I don’t think anyone enters marriage thinking their husband would turn out to be a jerk…it’s all part of the risk of marriage and love…and I, for one, am more than willing to take that risk again, because who knows…it might pay off one day :D)
A problem is mutual. I wish for any divorcing couple to stay happy. I’m sure God knows best! He has his ways in teaching and guiding us to the right path. Let’s not judge for we may not know the entire story. He works in ways that we cannot see, he will make the way using his ways. Have faith in him.
being in 30s and not married, i’ve seen a lot of sad stories from the other married friends. believe it or not, it was never an expectation of what might happened in future. and as a human we must always be thankful and bersyukur for the good things we have, because life could change 360 degrees with or without or consent. it ways beyond our control.
so never think we can and have the ability to determine and control our future. we may plan and work hard for it but the final outcome is not ours to decide.
i mean any degree in between the 360 =)
I know that this might come in late, like 11 days after this has been posted up, but i must admit that this is a pretty good read.
But i must add that this cases do not happen only to the women (the victim) but men too. Men too might and could be affected if their gf/wife cheated on them.
Cheating, having fun and such is universal. And as shitty as this may sound, men have got to “live” up to the standard as the “caretaker” or man-of-the-house in a r/s. Failure to do so, could mean being left by the woman he loves the most.