to love and to discipline

March 7, 2014

Daniel’s going on 8 months now but he still doesn’t sleep through the night. Every night he will wake up a few times, not because he’s hungry, but he just always wants me around. I love the neediness, but it gets hard when I’m really tired or I want to think about going on business trips. Nowadays, I will just work on Skype, or delegate to my team, or if I’m really needed, I will plan for a day trip. I don’t actually mind that, but I am getting worried about Daniel’s not-sleeping-through-the-night-ness. He has never had a night that he just sleeps through.

We tried sleep training him (worst 10 minutes of my life listening to my son cry for his mother who was just right there), but we realised we’re just not as tough as other parents. Some say we have to do it to teach him discipline, some say we shouldn’t do it because babies need love and attention. I just want to raise him the right way, and I don’t want him to be spoiled or too manja. At the same time, he’s just so little, is it even the right time! There just is no set manual for parenting. SUPER TORN YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

We wanted to try train him not to always wake up and immediately want pacifying. We tried to just soothe him and pat him and sing to him back to sleep, but he will always want me. Always. One night, I was sooo tired and my back was aching so I just wanted to sleep. When he woke up, Dean helped to soothe him. He sang, he pat, he talked nicely, but Daniel would just cry and cry. He heated up Daniel’s milk and Daniel just spat it out and cry some more. The whole time, Daniel was just searching around the house, his head turning left and right looking for me. They always say babies cry more when they see their mom, so I was following them around the house but hiding behind pillars. I wanted to see if Daniel would calm down a bit if he knew I wasn’t around at the time.

But no… he cried and cried and cried. And my heart just dropped and dropped and dropped.

Finally, he saw me through a mirror. And he stopped crying. He studied the mirror a bit longer and his eyes widened. And after a few seconds of silence, his face just scrunched up and he screamed crying.

I went closer to him and he gave me this look that just broke my heart. The what-did-I-do-wrong-to-you look. The am-I-a-burden-to-you-mommy-I’m-really-sorry look.

I just hugged him so tight and soon enough, he just fell asleep in my arms.

And then I cried watching him because I felt so guilty.

Sleeptraining? Forget sleeptraining. I can barely last a few minutes seeing him cry!


You’ve completely changed our lives, you little cutiepie you. Daddy and Mommy are working our very best to raise you to become a wonderful human being, we sure hope we’re doing things the right way!