a parent’s dilemma

September 10, 2014

I have never left Daniel even for one night, so when Dean and I have the opportunity to go on a trip overseas we are always really torn. Do we go, do we not go? Selfish me was all like heck yeahhhh we should go! But sappy dad Dean was all like we-cant-leave-Daniel-it-will-scar-him-for-life. -___-“

So, we both agreed to do a practice run. We had some work stuff we wanted to do in Singapore, so we thought ok just one night, let’s go to Singapore and leave Daniel at his grandma’s. At least we leave him with our family and Singapore is near enough for us to get the next flight back in case Daniel doesn’t stop crying missing us (which did not happen, guys. He couldn’t care less if we went to Alaska even). Just one night. If we can get through this, perhaps it’s ok to go on this trip overseas that we want to go for. If we can’t get through this and Daniel suddenly talks and says “Bad Daddy, Bad Mommy!”, then by all means, we will cancel the trip. And confirm that Daniel is a genius.

I was sooo excited to go. Had like 6 outfits planned and 2 bags full of my stuff. Even though it was just for one night, a girl needs options ok. Dean knows who what he married. We kissed Daniel goodbye while he was sleeping in the morning and off to the taxi I skipped excitedly. Dean? He was dragging his feet and kept looking back to see if Daniel had magically woken up and was perched by the window with tears in his eyes (again, did not happen, guys…). On the plane, Dean would stare into nothingness and suddenly quietly sings “One two three four, high five… one two three four, high five…” while wife here rolls her eyes. “Relax, he’s totally fineeeee!” I would remind him.

Anyway, truth be told, this break was what I needed. Singapore was scorching hot and since we were so adventurous to walk everywhere (Malaysians don’t walk, in case you don’t know. This was a big thing for us, using our legs and all…), we were sweating like mad. Had Daniel been there, we would’ve been in such bad moods because we would have to carry him and he would have been uncomfortable in the heat, all those things. But since it was just Dean and I, we enjoyed each other despite the heat, and we held hands and hugged like young lovers. It was really really nice. For dinner, Dean took me to a fancy restaurant and we had a lovely spot in the corner to ourselves. We talked, we reminisced, we shared thoughts and dreams, we ate and drank, and held hands the whole way.

Then, back at the hotel, Dean video-called his mom to speak to Daniel. For the fifth time that day. -___-” Daniel looked a bit sad, and he looked as if he missed us because he kept crying everytime we were going to hang up. And that crushed Dean’s night and broke his heart into pieces. After ending the video call heavy-heartedly, Dean just stared into space and let’s just say he-had-something-caught-in-his-eyes. I didn’t know whether to laugh at him or sympathise with him. I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t comforted him, he would’ve packed up his bags and taken the next flight home. And of course when we turned on the TV, there was a show about babies. Made. It. So. Much. Worse.

 Daniel, you’re very lucky that you have a responsible dad who loves you sooooo much that everything he does he has you in his mind. And the thought of you being even one night without one of your parents pained him because he felt he wasn’t doing his responsibility as a dad. Of course your mom here loves you just as much and worried about you the whole time, but you know… I’m just way cooler than your Daddy. There was nothing “caught in my eye”, unlike your Daddy. I’m cool with giving you your own space sometimes. Haha.

I concluded that parents will always have that dilemma. They want to have a two or three days break away from the children and just be like teenagers in love again, but at the same time the responsibility of being parents and the guilt of leaving your children behind will always be at the back of your mind the whole time. And I think that’s a good thing. All parents should feel this way so that you know where your responsibilities lie. I would say go ahead and have that break because you still need your husband-wife time, but don’t do it too often that the children feel neglected and always check in to see that they’re ok.

 As for my little family, I have accepted the fact that Dean is never going to be that type of dad. It’s just too hard for him, bless his soul. And I thought I was the clingy one! Haaaaave you met Daddy Dean? But either way, I’m thankful that he agreed to this Singapore trip. I had a blast and my pregnancy craving for that awesome roti ice-cream on Orchard Road has been satisfied!

singapore proudduck