bringing work home
May 24, 2015Everyone says you need a balance in your life; balance between work, family, love life, friends and you time. But really, 24 hours a day is just not enough to fit all of that. That’s why in interviews when I’m asked if women can have it all, I say no. There’s no need to sugarcoat it, we don’t live in la la land. As wives we need to make sure our husband’s life is sorted, as working women we need to make sure deadlines are met and tasks are completed, as friends we need to make sure we are up to date with our friends’ lives, and the biggest role of all; as moms we need to be the ultimate go-to person for all of our children’s needs. When do we even have time to shower?
For me, I’m really lucky that my work and family lives are intertwined. I have a business with my husband and so, all the boxes are checked there. I’m with my family all the time. But of course, this is always risky and it’s not something I recommend for all couples because if you’re not on the same page, not only will you lose a business but you will also lose your life companion too. Alhamdulillah, Dean and I seem to complement each other in every aspect of our lives, and I pray it will stay this way forever.
I always wonder and sometimes I ask Dean, “Can you imagine if we work in different fields? We’re both workaholics who love our jobs like mad, and we are always thinking about FashionValet. If one of us weren’t in it, how would we understand what the other is going through?”ย
I’d be constantly on my phone with the different department group chats, and Dean would be constantly on excel sheets analyzing finance and whatnot… It’s ok for us because we understand how important it is to finish up those tasks. Not only is fashion a fast-paced business, but combine that up with e-commerce, an industry that can change and flip in minutes! If neither of us are in it, we wouldn’t understand why we are glued to our gadgets. After the kids go to bed at night, we patiently wait for the other to finish up, and even give suggestions and ideas in between… then we stay up on the couch together and share ice cream straight from the tub. And we are both totally happy with this arrangement because that is how it has always been even from the start of our marriage. That’s the only arrangement we know!
Healthy or not, that is the reality. We are so passionate about our jobs and we take it as our responsibility to make sure FV grows and grows to make it profitable and to work towards being able to give bonuses to our employees to better everyone’s lives. It’s crazy sometimes that at dinner, we are actually just discussing work issues and working out best strategies. We never get a break from work, and weirdly, we don’t actually mind because we love it.
Anyway, I’m just curious because I have never experienced the other side. In families that the husband and wife don’t work together (majority of people!), how do you guys support each other’s work? Is work talk off-limits at home?
Do share!
Hey, Vivy.
Do you have any idea in sharing Mariam’s cukur jambul picture ? I really waiting for it to be shared.
Thank You
Salam Vivy,
Yes i do work with my husband. I love it but sometimes I hate it especially when we argue about work. I wish I could have a harmony relationship like yours. But it takes a lot of hardwork and prayers right? I’ll try to work on that. Anyway,i wish u all the best in everything u do. Hugs!
my husband and I work in the same field but different company, we do sometime talk about work at home but just to relieve our stress or we just need someone to talk to.. No judging or taken seriously as the job is stressful enough. We would like to maintain harmony at home without the word ‘WORK’ at home. My mummy mode is ON when at home, and it is a whole new job description when at home. hahahah….
Work talk is definitely not off-limits in my home! My parents don’t work together but their respective jobs complement each other, and they often deal with similar or the same clients in the corporate world. So they’re always talking about work and helping each other out all the time. The usual dinnertime routine is talk about work, ask kids about their day, discuss a random topic, then we’ll all finish dinner and go do our own thing.
I think my parents are lucky in the sense their jobs are sort of similar even though they have totally different occupations (mom’s a lawyer and dad’s an accountant). 23 years and still going strong.
My husband is in graphic design and i’m a nurse so yes, totally different lives. But it works and we always talk about work! Even when we don’t understand what the other is saying, just ask them to explain and you really appreciate each other’s efforts as individuals. This is a stark contrast to my ex (before i got married) who told me not to talk about work with him because he doesn’t understand “medical stuff”. I guess it depends on who you marry. Don’t marry a douche.
at first, its quite difficult but nowadays we are cooping.. with me, working in melaka n travel everyday n my husband working in kl.. we make sure that we have dinner together with our children (aged 4 and 2)… gadget is off limit during meal time and luckily my girls are not into gadget.
working diff job sometimes is sooo hard. i’m in the exec post, while he is currently working a total opposite job – IMAM MASJID.. my phone just couldn’t stop beeping with so many diff groups, until he starts questioning whose text are those and bla3.. ow man.. he jz do not understand that my work requires me to be on standby with instructions coming in through whatsapp anytime! and i have to attend meetings, working dinner, giving talks and briefing somewhere else so im on the move all the time; while he just stay at the mosque during prayer time and attends courses (which is so seldom). i try to be fair, so at home, i switch off my internet data, so only urgent calls will able to get through me and he demanded me to turn off my phone before bedtime -_-.
Vi, my husband himself is an entrepreneur. Whereas I am 9-5pm person. Being married for only a year ++ huh sigh I tell you we fought ALL THE TIME simply because I do not understand his work orientation. The long crazy hours. But as I’m reading you post today, hmm well I sort of get it why he is in that position (but that does not mean I won’t fight with him no more haha) I always jokingly asked if I can work with him together, but he is still isn’t buying the idea. Well I’m thinking it better stays that way, prolly cause I’m not that adventurous and expose. Maybe for the future. ๐
Hello there. As for me, both of my parents in the same field, they’re teachers. So most of the time they talk about school stuff, the students, their grades and whatnot. During the meal time our family will make sure everyone is ready to eat and will not let anyone eat first. Meal time is family time. That is the time we catch up with each other. I’m with you about the situation where the partners are not in the same field.
Hi Vivy,
I’m a big fan of yours and there is something about this post that requires me to reply. Me and my husband work at a separate company but from time to time I go back home slightly late than usual. When I have a s*** day at work, I goes home and rant to him although he might not understand. But i rarely bring my work home as i make sure that i get things done in office. For me, once you start bringing work back home, it’s gonna be a habit which i think it’s not good for both husband and wife. My boss might think i’m toooo flexible and might dump more work load on me. My work is flexible in the sense that I can work from home but i don’t do that without a valid reason. There is a thin line between whether you should or should not bring your work home because there’s a different between individual’s work demand but at the end of the day, our family is the ultimate goal. as a human, sometimes, we forget our priorities but if we realize that, it’s not too late to shift our focus back to what’s more important. Work will always be work and it can never finish, but the family time that we have passed especially watching our kids growing up can never be rewind and no money in the world can buy that.
Hey Vivy, my husband and I work in totally different fields. He travels most of the time while I run a department in the social services sector. And in between the craziness, we have a 5 month old son. Communication happens during car rides, whatsapp messages and Skype calls. We went to watch a movie for our second year anniversary. Haha. I don’t need to understand his work, neither does he understand mine.. but thats fine. Because our jobs don’t define who we are. We dated when we were teens and have been going strong for 10 years now. ‘Us’ time always ends up with us goofing around. It’s nice to have someone who knows the kid in you and it’s nice to de-role from your job and be the person you were before working.
Hi vy, I work in a banking sector, while my husband is in F&B’s. He’s working in shift; either 9-5pm or 3-11pm, and I am the usual 8-5pm. To make it even worse, he only has 1 day off/week which will always be on weekday -__-. On a bright side, I have a lot me-time (hehehe) since we don’t have any child yet. As we do not have much time to be spent together, work-talk is definitely a no-no. But then, we are so thankful that we do not have to bring work home like you. So, I guess whatever it is, life is fair to everyone, yes? ๐
totally different industries. I do ask how’s his day (a point I try to make everyday) just to know how his day went. I then volunteer (like it or not he has to listen to how my day went too you know) information of how my day went.
somehow it became a routine of sorts hehe
V, for me, we are in the same place but different field, i’m in the legal and my husband in research and innovation department. for us, we do talk about works at home but, we keep to one principle, NEVER brings your works to your home unless u really desperate to finish it, becoz we need to spend the time with our little daughter, sharing meals together and watching our favorite drama without fail. we live a simple life…and Alhamdulillah… until 2 years of marriage, we understand each other better…. ‘bergaduh??’ adat rumah tangga..hehe
Salaam..
Hi Vi, I used to work same place as my husband.
same building same floor but different project. hehe.
It was fun as I am kinda clingy to him (pardon me)
He is a trainer while I am a Exec.
Honestly speaking he is a workaholic & if Im not there (we always come to work & go back home together) he tend to forget the time & overwork.. grrr! that just pisses me off.. Since we have 3 kids at home & at times Im too tired to handle them so I needed him around.
But we do talk about our work, he will tell me about his day at work & sometimes ask for my opinion..
Like u said Vi, as a woman, a wife, a mom we can have it all.. I am a young mom (27 with 3 kids?) so I didnt get to go out with friends as much.
Salaam..
Hi Vi, I used to work same place as my husband.
same building same floor but different project. hehe.
It was fun as I am kinda clingy to him (pardon me)
He is a trainer while I am a Exec.
Honestly speaking he is a workaholic & if Im not there (we always come to work & go back home together) he tend to forget the time & overwork.. grrr! that just pisses me off.. Since we have 3 kids at home & at times Im too tired to handle them so I needed him around.
But we do talk about our work, he will tell me about his day at work & sometimes ask for my opinion..
Like u said Vi, as a woman, a wife, a mom we can have it all.. I am a young mom (27 with 3 kids?) so I didnt get to go out with friends as much.
my husband and i are in similar fields. he fetches me to work daily so we do catch up on each other’s work in the journey to and from work.. but when we get home.. we normally focus on each other haha. i would say we’re both doing quite well in our workplaces, but we are not workaholics. building our relationship is more important than just chasing the money, so we don’t focus TOO much on work at home :).
I am a doctor and my husband is a producer working in entertainment business. Our working lives are totally different. With me not having time to watch tv thus not knowing the name of those artists he worked with and don’t really care. He, not from science stream and couldn’t stand seeing any kind of procedure, needle or blood. Once, I showed him a picture of a tumor the size of a cock once and he vomited. LOL. The thing is we are both busy, coming home late at night and as a mother, I will jump loops to make sure our toddler is happy and not feeling neglected. Balancing family and work? LOL. I don’t know if it is possible but I am hellbent to make sure everyone’s happy especially my child. I don’t know how we do it but we always manage to help each other.If any of us unable to be home early, the other one will have to relent to be with our daughter. And we have no helper. Which means my 1 year and 8 months old spend some time at my workplace. She imitates me and pretend to give a check up using my medical instruments. She does them accurately and that makes me smile. Relatives don’t get us and our hectic lifestyle but we have our aim and ambitions while we are young. People might raise their eyebrows and telling me that being a mother I shouldn’t aim that high. The most important thing is that, my husband support my dream and we are fine with our schedule and we are happy especially my daughter. Anytime we have, we will spend together such as late night movie in bed or weekend balik kampung or long oversea’s vacation. So balancing? Like you said, we don’t live in lala land but we do our best.
Thank you for sharing Vivy.
I work in the same industry like my husband but our scope of work is a bit different. I’m a bit relax but he is so busy. Sometimes, when submission week he went back home around 11pm. I didn’t understand why. We used to fight over this because we worked in the same industry kan? Why he’s so different than me? But now, after 2 years of marriage, I understand different people has different work load, doesn’t matter you work in what kind of industry or what kind of company.
Hi V,
Me and my husband working in totally different field. I am an engineer while he’s working in finance. But we do share our stories on works and stuff. It become our routine since we always keep our daily life updated through whatsapp, e-mail or just a quick phone call. We’ve been married for 7 years, Alhamdulillah. Main point here is, always respect your partner and listen to him no matter how bored the topic is. Teehee..
Good luck to you and your family V. ๐
I have been married for 17 years. My husband is an engineer in Oil & Gas industry and I am running my own company. He is always away.. offshore or onshore in different countries. So we basically see each other a total of 100 days per year. Of course we talk everyday and I like to listen to his work related stories and I will share my office gossip and work headache. Although it is difficult to be a “single mom” most of the time, I embrace the space I have when he is not around. Although it was difficult at the beginning of our marriage but we persevere and make the best of it. Well at least for me, I know the existence of few places which I have never heard before because every time he has to go somewhere remote I do my little research to know the place.
hi vivy! i met my husband when we worked in the same industry & company – automotive manufacturing. it has crazy hours, but i’d like to think i learnt a lot. he’s still with the company, so i really understand his workload, bosses’ expectations (although i do feel the urge to burn down his office every now and then) and most of his colleagues / bosses are friends/ on good terms with me.
i am now in oil & gas, and while the crazy hours have subsided (and more so since i became a mom), every now and then i struggle with workload (because i’m so used to bringing home work). we talk about work all the time, and no it doesn’t get boring or frustrating because we want to understand how important our jobs are to each other.
every time we go out, a simple observation of the car ahead of ours can turn into technical discussion, then gossip bout his workplace, his clients, his friends – see, the topics are endless! on the other hand, once we overtake oil tankers or stop for refuel.. we’ll discuss bout the current oil price scenario, then he asks about oil & gas production cycle..
i think the key is keeping the curiosity alive. oh, but we don’t talk bout work during TV binge-ing and his anime sessions ๐
My husband and I started off the same field, but eventually we end up in different fields. As for me, even during our courting years, I was never really keen on the idea of husband and wife working together. I think I’ll get bored of having to meet him 24/7! We used to talk about work before, but as it gets more demanding and stress level increases, I decided to not talk about work at home. Unless they really bothers me and I just needed to let it out, which usually motivates me to do better at work.
Now, he’s working out of town and we rarely see each other. It took me a lot of courage to let him go initially, but I figured that I should be supportive. Because who knows that one day he might have to sacrifice his passion to support me so that both of us could have the life that we dream of.
Most importantly, “toksah duk kecik2 hati” as my mom always mentions. Have hope.
i worked in a totally diff field from my husband before, and it was tough to make him understand even tho i know he tried his best. then came along the business, and now we are both focusing to expand it together, we can talk about it all day all night hahaha!
Hye Vivy!
Me and my husband are working in a same field in hospitality industry which there’s advantage on understanding when we talk about job task. I’m a front liner thus he more on operation side. While at home, we both are not talk about work unless there’s something that need his advice even when we were in the same company last time. My daughter is my priority while at home and Movies/sports are his priority.
I used to work in retail n hotel management so def a no no 8 to 5 job while my husband works in diff industry. He asked me to quit my job cos he thinks that my job was tiring and it is better for me to become a housewife instead haha. But everytime he talks about his job, i listen and always makes me feel like im working in his industry as well ๐
My husband and I are both doctors but we have different scope of job. Before we have a son, yes we do talked a lott about work and medical stuff. Now that we have a son, our conversation usually revolved around him and his cartoon and his behaviour.. we do talk about work especially during dinner or when we have some issues at our workplace and it helps a lot that we are in a same field.
Hi V,
I was a former cabin crew and now a fulltime housewife.my husband is an entrepreneur. I’m stuck with my 10 months daughter and still adjusting the fact that Im doing the same thing everyday. While when I was single I always on the move and u’ll be seeing me a lot at Boat Noodle just because I wanted to see you if im single.hahah but now i really find.it hard to just stay at home and doing nothing.really.so i.always fight a lot with him because i feel useless. Haih..well atleast i can be with my daughter 24-7.thats the only thing that cheer up my day..Thank u for allowing me to rant. Hihi
Hi V,
1. I’m in Engineering field while my husband are in event management team.
2. I work 8am-8pm. While hubby was all around the clock.
3. Our field are different but eventually we have the same work styles where we always have to be on toes on our ongoing projects/event. Thus, we tolerate and understand the importance of our task/work.
4. For me most important is that, quality time that we have. But whenever we went off work mode, we totally focus on each other and family. I even appreciate a dinner at our favourite hawkers stall. And a lil chat and catch up session on bed before we end the day cerita about our daily life is good enough for us.
5. Most important that we know and understand each other responsibilities, accept each others flaws and get the right niat where we do it for our family and for the sake of Allah. Other than that, we leave to Allah.
From all above stories, I can conclude, no wonder our family minister made her statement worrying about Malaysians now have small family (1-2 children per family), and according to her, it is not an ideal family. An ideal family should have 3-4kids. hehehehe.. everyone seems very busy with their work/job nowadays and not be able to commit having lots of children are something that the ministry should find way to solve those problems.. heheheheheh…
My husband and I used to be a lecturer. We were happy back then, because we enjoy what we were doing. Adalah problem sikit2 tp we overcome the problems macam biasa. But now, he is a special officer to one of the minister. and the ministry is a busy ministry all year long. Husband pindah dulu, and I with 4 children at that time, masih tinggal di hometown. Bergaduh adalah adat masa tu sbb I cannot understand his work (demand from the boss 24-7) and I always feel tired and unfair, sbb I need to jaga his 4 children while he seemed enjoy doing his work. then, with some arrangement dapat pindah duduk bersama and I work in the same building with my hubs. It’s a quite demanding job compared to being a lecturer. My work colleagues kebanyakan berumur dan ada yg dah ada cucu. Kami pulak tambah lagi seorang anak (jadi 5 orang kecil2 semua). kadang2 boss dan work colleagues macam tak faham bila ada anak2 kecil yang sakit dan kita perlu cuti or time off. my husband kalau time busy mmg tak sempat untuk uruskan anak2 sakit dan demand yang macam2 from anak2. I selalu makan hati, sebab maybe I tak faham urusan kerja my hubs. Bila balik rumah, masih dengan hp – non stop beeping (I pernah secretly wish hp dia hilang hehehehe plus what with all the chatting? klu urgent sangat call! jangan whatsapp! *emo*). Dengan anak2 ramai mcm ni, for me, jika ada masa bersama mereka, he needs to switch off the phone and attend to their needs. but maybe he has some urgent works to settle… mmg susah nak buat rutin. Now, I rasa cam pasrah jelah.. mmg susah nak balance everything at the same time. Jadinya I will make sure, by maghrib semua anak2 dah siap utk ke surau. kalau ayah diorg sempat ikut, dia ikut. Then anak2 akan mengaji al-quran/iqra’. Kalau ayah diorg ada, dia akan ajar mengaji Al-quran. Kalau x, tugas tu kita je yang buat. Kadang2 it scares me if we both were too busy attending to our job/work task, anak2 macam mana?? sebab I selalu ingatkan my hubs.. kalau kita mati nanti, anak2 yang akan doakan kita dalam kubur nanti, bukan boss, bukan work colleague dan bukan jugak ramai “pengipas2 tegar” (if u know what I mean).. I dont know.. I guess, we really need to pray harder and doa a lot yang kita boleh jadi muslim/muslimah terbaik utk semua..
You were that one in the millions V, I don’t think the rest of us could get that . As for me, I’m not married yet. But if can choose, I would want someone who I can imagine having lunch together every single day and neither of us would get bored. Because we do, isn’t that a sign that you’re not going to have a balance trust and support in the relationship? vice versa.
It means I would want someone who I can work with. Amin..
My husband is a chef and I work with the gov. We do talk about our work sometimes and I’m just amazed how people in the F&B industry can work odd hours, standing most of the time and still smile to their clients. It’s hard to juggle a career and a family at the same time especially since I travel all the time for my work.