big scary donut

June 23, 2015

Are you the type that would layan your sickness? Like if you have a flu, you’d want to stay in bed all day etc. I can’t, I just can’t. Even confinement I was itching to break the system and go out. The thought of resting when it’s really not anything bad/serious, while your colleagues are in the office working hard… it just seems wrong. I just can’t sit still thinking about what I could contribute to the company instead of just resting at home (which I find makes me even sicker, btw).

But these past few days I have been having really bad headaches. I’ve never had them before and I realise headaches aren’t something you can shake off. Like it actually hurts when you walk or sneeze or cough, and whatever people say to you, you just want them to shut up because them talking hurts your head. It was so bad that I finally agreed to go to the doctor after 2 days of non-stop headaches.

My hair is also falling a lot (normal post-pregnancy but I’m just being a drama queen) so I thought of the worst things already.

Omg please don’t let this be the C word… please don’t let me have the C word, dear God, I was praying so hard in my prayers.

But I was thinking of the worst things already and I couldn’t help it.

Omg I have it, don’t I? What else could it be? It’s because I don’t lead a healthy lifestyle… Omg I need to sit down to process all this… 

And this made my headache stronger.

Dean took me to the doctor and while waiting for so long in the clinic, I was silently panicking inside. It’s like you’re waiting for your fate you know? It’s really scary! Dean was going “Will you relaxxxx! Women like to worry too much!” and thinking I was overreacting to it all.

What seemed like years later, we were finally in the doctor’s room. He asked me some routine questions and while he was talking, I blurted out without any self-control or shame.


The doctor almost chuckled at my panic reaction.

“It’s highly unlikely. Headaches are actually the last symptoms in a brain cancer.”


Even though the doctor was sure it wasn’t the C word, I wanted to be sure and asked for a scan.


Going through that big donut, I just closed my eyes and zikir the whole time. Daniel and Mariam came to my vision and seeing them smile in my thoughts made me feel like crying. I want to watch them grow up, I thought by myself.

Waiting back at the doctor’s clinic for the results of the scan was even scarier. What if they find a tumor? What if I’m right and not just paranoid? What if this, what if that… all sorts of thoughts went through my head.

I came in and the doctor smiled at me. “As I suspected, you are just having a normal headache. You have tension headaches, which is due to stress or overworking. And you need to rest.”

But all I heard was, “You are still being given a chance to live, so you better not screw your health up.”

Dean hugged me after all that and snorted, “Typical women! Got headache a bit, think they’re going to die.”

I laughed at his true statement.

But only God knows how relieved I was. I felt like this was a warning to me to have some down time too and not just stress about work all the time. I am starting to relax at home when it’s family time, I hired a personal trainer to start training again (well, Ramadhan I’m taking a break…), I’m going to start juicing and now gadgets are off limits in the bedroom when I sleep.

Even though it was nothing (just me putting scary thoughts in my head), I take it as a serious lesson that health is so so important. Without it, we can’t enjoy life the way we do now. And once it’s taken from us, only then we will realise how valuable it is. Of course, it’s all up to God (even the healthiest people I know still get sick), but we can make the effort too.

To a healthier lifestyle, everybody!