I put Mariam to sleep last night and as I was cuddling her, I hugged her even tighter for a while. I should have put her down because she was already asleep and people tell me we shouldn’t let babies get used to us holding all the time… but I just wanted to break the rule just this one time.
I realise with Mariam, Dean and I are busier at work more than ever. When Daniel was born, we had so much rezeki in our career but we still had all the time to focus on him when we’re with him. With Mariam, not only do we have FV going regional, we also have dUCk scarves and now launching soon dUCk stationery and things are just busier than ever. And when we do have time with Mariam, her time is always shared with Daniel. That’s the perk of being the eldest; your childhood is never shared for a minimum of a year!
Of course we are trying the best we can and I guess this is normal as you have more children, it will never be like the time you could really bond with your firstborn. I can’t imagine big families with 10 siblings, how do you spend time with the 10th baby with 9 other children to look after too?! And you’re just one person. *respect*
I just never want Mariam to feel she is loved less. Not only does she have to share time with Daniel, she also has to share a lot of attention with Mommy and Daddy’s companies. I guess this is the working parent guilt everyone talks about. And I think it’s worse for entrepreneurs because we work all the time even at home, there is just no such thing as “working hours”. It is hitting me now slowly, but I remember during my Bella TV interview talking about this, one of the ladies in the panel said that guilt is a thought process that doesn’t flow. It doesn’t go anywhere, it just lingers in you and there’s no solving it. So the thing to do is just to face it; cry it out, talk to someone, make up to your children after etc. And she said forgive yourself if you feel guilty because you know you’re trying the best that you can.
Mariam, if you ever read this, you’ve just passed 4 months old when I write this. You can roll over, you babble nonsense sometimes, you drool a lot(!), you can grab things and I think you’re teething because you’re getting so PMS-y lately hehe. Your hair is all over the place and you’re a bit bald at the back because of your sleeping position (let’s hope your hair grew by the time you read this… if it didn’t, then, umm sorry.). You’re really fair and everyone says you look like your Opah. You haven’t fallen off the bed yet so phew (Daniel has fallen off the bed at least twice at your age). You love watching your brother Daniel play and sometimes I think you understand when he talks to you. You always smile when Daddy even shows his face to you, I’m trying hard not to be jealous about that. Overall, you are only 4 months but you have completed our lives like we could never imagine. Mariam, my lovely daughter, may you grow to be a wonderful lady and remember that Mommy and Daddy love you so so much.