naming and shaming

Ever had that time in your life when you were so angry at one person that you were tempted to tell the world about it on your insta/blog? Well, don’t do it.

I don’t tell you a lot of the negative things that happen in my life, but one of it; last year, I was betrayed big time by someone close to me. I never saw it coming and when I found out, I was shaking because I couldn’t believe it! I never spoke to this person after finding out because there was no point, and I just sent my lawyers to take legal action. It hurt me to do this but I had no choice. Everything is settled now but that’s not the point of my story.

I told my loved ones, naturally, but never did it cross my mind to public shame him/her. I could so easily expose what he/she did but I don’t know why I never wanted to. I had so much work to do that I basically just moved on from this, and didn’t dwell on it. I also never felt hate towards him/her which is so weird. I forgave of course, I always do. But the only difference was that I didn’t want to be friends anymore and I didn’t see the point of communicating as normal any longer.

But you can sense genuine sincerity in how the guilty person acts. There are a lot of people who wronged me and some say sorry, some don’t. It’s fine because we should never expect those things from people. Whether or not people are sorry doesn’t change your life. But this person in particular was relentless. He/she would message me once in a while, give me updates, wish me on my birthday, congratulate me when I gave birth, he/she never forgot a big event in my life. My replies were brief, just a Thank you usually. But that never deterred him/her from trying. One day, I received a long message from this person, a heartfelt one saying he/she never moved on from the mistake and hates himself/herself for it and needed my forgiveness. That message melted me to the ground because even after a year plus of me being cold, this person showed remorse. Genuine remorse. A lot of people, including me, make mistakes and we say sorry once or twice, if the person ignores us, our egos are usually quite big and we will go ok fine la. But this person, I admired. I told him/her that I have always forgiven even from Day 1 and I could never hate him/her. Recently I saw this person, and tears formed in his/her eyes the minute he/she saw me. We made peace and talked and laughed like old times, leaving all bad memories behind. That sparked my interest in writing this blog post.

The point of my story is that in life, sometimes you are given the upper hand and you could potentially expose someone’s mistake.. never take that route. No matter how angry you are, control it and always just talk to your loved ones instead of lashing out on Facebook/Instagram. I feel so sad when I see people venting on their social media, complaining about this and that, even naming and shaming specific individuals, because goshhh they’re human beings too. It may seem like a good idea at the time because you’re so angry, but hey, take a deep breath and think how you could ruin this person’s life. Everyone makes mistakes, and never think that we are morally above them. The fact that we expose and shame people just shows we aren’t. We never know if we are in their shoes, we might do the same or even worse. If people wrong you, forgive even when there’s no apology. Soften your heart to always forgive your fellow beings, because God will reward you abundantly in ways you can’t even imagine.

Just a random thought I had and thought I’d share.

28 Comments

  • March 20, 2016 - 6:23 am | Permalink

    i totally agree on this, vivy. as my mother taught me, of how cruel a person can be to you, don’t do the same to him/her (play even). this entry also relates to me as i used to have this good friend and i’ve being back-stabbed. it frustrates me of how a good friend could do such thing to his/her friend but i do forgive him/her even though he/she never sincerely apologize. it’s just that i don’t want to be around a person who doesn’t appreciate me as a friend; so i don’t communicate that much with this person anymore (he/she doesn’t live nearby; so it makes things easier).

  • Jennifer Lawrence
    March 20, 2016 - 7:06 am | Permalink

    thank you, thank you thank you for the reminder. Exactly what I needed at this hour. Been getting so angry at this one person because he/she has been talking bad behind about me for some time and of recently he/she did it again. Sometimes I don’t get it on what’s this person’s motive, seriously and sometimes I feel like he/she would want to win his/her life over mine, when I never bothered about theirs.
    But when he/she started to touch my life I felt so angry at first (and rimas because he/she has been copy-ing and then claimed etc etc)

    Ok but point is of recently I have started to get really annoyed and angry that I felt like posting a post about him/her!! Subtly hinted but then after I read this post especially few last paragraphs, masyaAllah I couldn’t agree more.

    Thank you for making me realize that it’s no point and what made me think I’m morally good than him/her if I do the same. Although it is hard to ignore, Allah SWT will still and later knows and insyaAllah will reward us back (still hard to control the anger!!, not kidding)

    Again, thanks.

  • Nurul
    March 20, 2016 - 8:46 am | Permalink

    “Whether or not people are sorry doesn’t change your life”. Thanks V for the wise words. Sometimes people hurt us real bad, and those who backstabbed are usually the ones we don’t expect them to. Your entry speaks volume on the kind of person you are.. Such great positivity. Alhamdulillah I’m glad I read this.

  • March 20, 2016 - 9:50 am | Permalink

    such a good article vivy. even though i never experienced people back stabbed me or doing something really bad but i totally agree with u. never lashing out on istagram or facebook

  • Sara
    March 20, 2016 - 10:49 am | Permalink

    Nice one vivy!

  • March 20, 2016 - 12:01 pm | Permalink

    This particular post of yours is inspiring and so to say, quite soothing. I have people in my life who betrayed me and stabbed my back too and I have never taken the high road because I was so freaking mad and felt deceived. I wished them deaths sometimes. But after reading your post, i feel like there’s an inner peace in me, willing to let go every bad thing that ever happened to me, and for that, I thank you. So much.

  • Izan MH
    March 20, 2016 - 12:59 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful!

  • mmmmmmm
    March 20, 2016 - 4:34 pm | Permalink

    lots of matang post lately. hahahaha.

  • f
    March 20, 2016 - 7:51 pm | Permalink

    Impressive V!

  • Nadia
    March 20, 2016 - 8:58 pm | Permalink

    Thank you for the inspiration, and most importantly, the beautiful reminder! May Allah SWT continuously bless you and your family, Vivy. Much love from Bru-land (Brunei) =D

  • Yana
    March 20, 2016 - 11:03 pm | Permalink

    Recently, I’ve been betrayed my someone who is close to me. I used to be the kind that easily to forgive. But this time around, i just can’t. It’s not the first time she did this to me, and it had ruined my image, some people even turn their back on me after hearing some rumours from that one person. So until this day. I prayed that god shows mercy on me n give her what she deserves. But today, after reading your post. I started to look back what had happened. Your words gave me strength to really think through about it. So I started to pray that May Allah swt will give me strength to forgive her. Eventhough she will never ask for my forgiveness. Thank you soo much V.

    Whether or not people are sorry, doesn’t change your life -Vivy Yusof
    Well said

    Such an inspiration :’) thank you.

  • Basirah
    March 21, 2016 - 11:59 am | Permalink

    I would like to “LIKE” this post gazillion times Vivy!! masyaallah…what a reminder! thank u soo much!

  • SIL
    March 21, 2016 - 1:21 pm | Permalink

    Thank you V. I just thought to write something in FB that may make my in-laws “terasa” of what she did to me. But after read this post, I realize it don’t worth anything and don’t change anything. It will just make things come worse or the relations become nowhere – feeling awkward in the family gathering and make my MIL sad. Hmmmmppp.. totally not worth it. Am I right?

  • Applegater
    March 21, 2016 - 1:36 pm | Permalink

    This is like so out of the topic but yeah..i am still waiting for you blog post about your PA Iman. Haha love you Vivy!

  • an old soul
    March 21, 2016 - 3:19 pm | Permalink

    MasyaAllah!
    i want to print this post, make 30 copies and give them to my students.
    younger people sukaaaa facebooking their problems rather than facing the problems head on.
    good one!
    semoga Allah merahmati you and semoga sentiasa didalam lindungan dan kasih sayang Allah.

  • March 21, 2016 - 3:52 pm | Permalink

    Exactly. I had this kind of experience too. She used to be my very very very close friend, later something happened and she made my life so miserable. I even lost trust in everyone, I distance myself from others. It has been years since it happened, I just blocked her from my social media accounts just because it was so painful to remember those memories, therefore I don’t want to see her name/comments appeared. But, recently, I decided to unblocked her and think that it’s time to just say hello. Not that I want her to be my friend just like we used to be, but more to just saying hi and well in other words, I’ve finally forgive you. It takes time to heal and communicate with the one who had made your life so miserable. It takes courage to approach them back, because you’re the one who suffered.
    Vivy, you made a right decision by giving another chance to him/her. If I were in your shoes, I would do the same too. It’s not easy for a person who made mistake to sincerely asked for his/her forgiveness. If my used to be friend did the same thing, I would forgive her immediately. Currently, I’m trying to forgive others too even when there’s no apology from them. We never knew, when will our last breath in this world.

  • Hanis O
    March 21, 2016 - 4:32 pm | Permalink

    Such a timely reminder, Vivy. I know this is bad but I find it hard not to hold grudges against people who blatantly do or say things that are hurtful or worse, not true. And it’s even harder to forgive when that someone is a person close to you. There are instances where I hear something bad or unfortunate that happen to them and I’ll go “padan muka! he/she deserves it!” and then comes the “astaghfirullah” moment and I’ll berate myself for stooping so low as to actually feel happy for someone’s misfortune. I agree with what you’ve said, that by behaving like that, it makes me no better than them. After all, we are only humans and mistakes are a part of our life. How can we expect others to forgive our wrongdoings, if we can’t find it in ourselves to forgive others. And who are we to choose not to forgive others when even Allah swt and Nabi saw forgave us who have committed so many sins. I thank you for this post and the many other inspiring and eye-opening posts that you have shared with us. Lots of love from a Singaporean reader.

  • Dina
    March 21, 2016 - 7:00 pm | Permalink

    First thing I thought when I read this post – your parents have done a wonderful job raising you. Such a beautiful person inside and out masya Allah.

  • March 21, 2016 - 10:07 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for sharing this story and a beautiful reminder to all of us. :)

  • Mulyani Nong Che
    March 22, 2016 - 9:04 am | Permalink

    V, Thanks for a reminder. Ur blog always inspire me for so many years.

    Love from Bumi Kenyalang

  • Aysha
    March 22, 2016 - 11:52 am | Permalink

    Thanks for the good reminders and sharing your stories into your blog 😉 May Allah bless you and family :) Healthy ways to manage anger are even better.

  • The other Pok
    March 22, 2016 - 6:16 pm | Permalink

    If you’re ever reading this, may one day you find it in you to forgive me.

    I’m sorry I kept you in the dark. I was trying to have the most of my time left with you without you being pissed at me

    You (still) measure no one that I’ve ever known.

    Love you & miss you my companero

  • The other Pok
    March 22, 2016 - 6:19 pm | Permalink

    sorry V interframe here a bit. My bff & i used to read your blog everyday. I hope she reads this up to my comment.

    Thanks V – rock on !

  • March 22, 2016 - 9:59 pm | Permalink

    thank you for sharing. its such a beauty inspiring story and advise. May Allah bless you always. hugs to daniel and mariam😍

  • rafeeqa
    March 23, 2016 - 12:21 pm | Permalink

    thank you so much V!!!! =)

  • March 24, 2016 - 9:06 am | Permalink

    Thank you for reminding us. Just recently someone in my FB lashed out on a family member and it was all over for everyone to read, including the response from her family member. In the end she removed the said post but it is a bit late as everyone had read and commented, etc. Pretty embarrassing I would say.

  • aishah (not my real name)
    March 24, 2016 - 9:03 pm | Permalink

    Hye vivy! Thank you for this post. In my case, I am the one who made the mistake. I betrayed someone that I love so much. I apologize so many times, I even kneeled. I just don’t know what I did can really frustrate “that someone”. And his/her friend exposed me in his/her Facebook. And only Allah knows how miserable I was at that time. I can’t even come out of my house. I refuse to see people. Now, I am much better, but still prefer to be low profile. I am always “I don’t care what people’s doing, just please ignore me, don’t pay attention, please act like I’m invisible, don’t look at me, don’t say you know me and sooooo many more”. That’s how my life is right now. And that’s how that case affects me until now, it’s been so many years now but still…

    I still can see that person, but I’m so scared to go near him/her. Because I’m afraid that he/she will expose me again. So I think I will just let it be. And never stop praying that Allah forgives me and open up his/her heart to forgive me. Alhamdulillah I think I am now better, I learned, and keep on trying to be better, keep reminding myself not to do the same mistake again, I see life differently now and I think I am now closer to my Creator. Alhamdulillah for everything..

  • March 28, 2016 - 9:38 am | Permalink

    Beautiful.

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