when i don’t feel good in a scarf
September 29, 2017Don’t get me wrong, I love wearing the scarf. I did it on my own as an adult, no one forced me and I honestly feel a sense of calm and sophistication. I love that I bring a tangible piece of my religion wherever I go and I have that sense of “ok gotta behave and sit up straight and not terkangkang, gotta smile and be polite to people always” because I carry a certain responsibility with this one piece of scarf. Oh, you save a lot on hair maintenance too, fyi! Haha.
But I’m going to be honest. There are few instances where I feel less than pretty in it. I’ve identified three times I’ve ever felt that way:
- when I go overseas and no one there wears a scarf
- when I go on beach holidays
- sometimes when I take pictures and it just doesn’t look good
For no 1, there’s not much you can do. It’s just the case of being different in a place with a differing culture. It’s like an Asian person in a room full of non-Asians. Or a black person in a room full of whites. You have to either change to be like them so you can “fit in” or you can accept the differences and let your personality shine instead. Easier said than done, but in this case, I choose the latter because it doesn’t compromise who you are and it always works. If you take off your headscarf to fit in, with that reasoning, do you expect the black guy to do plastic surgery to look white to fit in? Two extremes of course, but same basis of belief – to fit in. Unless it’s for security and safety, people who take off their headscarves to fit in basically gave in to social pressures. Gotta just have a thick face and a big smile, and more often than not, people respect you even more.
No 2. I still struggle with this. I generally don’t like beach holidays because I’m scared of the ocean. But ever since wearing the headscarf a few years back I dread beach holidays. No hijabi wants to say it but we all struggle to dress for the beach and we usually look really awkward. They’re two competing views: beach = sun, tanning, tight swimming clothes, lightweight sheer clothes. Hijab = covered, layering. The beach is hot and people come to bare and tan, and us hijabis are trying to wear burkinis, or light kaftans (with our inners inside) and big hats to look cool and “suntan” too, but it all looks really bad. I follow a lot of hijabis and I’m being honest here – I haven’t seen one that looks good in a Burkini. We all just end up wearing big shirts and leggings and our scarves flying everywhere uncomfortably, next to our sister in law who looks amazing in her one piece swimsuit and hair blowing in the wind (Hi Yas!). We shouldn’t NOT go on a beach holiday because of this, but we have to swallow the fact that we’re not going to look the most attractive so it’s good to come in accepting that. It’s especially hard when people recognise you and want to take photos with you when you don’t feel you look your best. We also have to accept the fact that hot girls in bikinis passing in front of our husbands is going to make us gulp, but that’s when you point to things and say “Look Sayang, a bird!” And make him look up instead. (And then you repeat with pointing to a boat, the sand, the sky, that uncle digging his nose… just anything!). In all honesty, beach holidays for hijabis are hard so you need to have a sense of humour. Especially for me who used to be one of those girls in swimsuits before, it’s a big change.
No 3. Now, you guys know I take pictures of my outfit for a living – it’s called ootd. I have to take photos of what I wear everyday and I feel so passionate about local brands that I want to promote them. And what I wear usually sells out so I know it helps their sales and this motivates me to ootd more. Also omg I’ve started this 3 pics in a row thing on Insta which I think is so cool and I sigh of happiness when I see my “neat” feed but I won’t get into cos I’m diverting again. Vivy Yusof, focus! ANYWAY yes yes, so basically I need to look good in photos.
After taking thousands of photos I start seeing that my poses are the same and my facial expressions are repeated too. Clothes are just clothes but it’s the attitude that takes it up a notch. And it’s really hard to show “attitude” with just facial expressions. And you can’t be all extra with your hands and legs because that’s not suitable with your image anymore. I’m not kidding guys, the secret to a gorgeous photo is the hair. Take any magazine ad you see with a girl’s hair beautifully flowing. Cover that and put a headscarf on her – the effect is completely different and less “vavavoom”. Unless in the photo, the headscarf has some sort of “flying” effect that makes people go wow hot dayummmm exhibit A Yuna’s cover in Vogue Arabia… but let’s face it, in real life, you can’t keep walking with 2 guys blowing at you left and right with a hairdryer to get that effect (well you could, I guess, but you’d have to bring super long wire plug extensions… and you won’t be able to hear anything with all that blowing…). The hair can be changed with styles and colour to help determine the mood of the outfit from head to toe so it’s that much harder for hijabis to complete the look we are going for. This is where hijabis go wrong – when they think it’s the same concept with scarves and they get all creative – braiding their scarves, draping and twisting it everywhere, layering many colours to substitute “highlights”, wearing a headband on top, putting strips of coloured diamantes, adding ruffles etc etc. I just cannot guyssss. It looks so try-hard. The best way to wear a headscarf is to just keep it simple and elegant. Well, to me, anyway. But again, the problem with that is it waters down the effect of an outfit and ootd photos become a lot simpler and less exciting compared to non-hijabis. The fact is that nice hair gives that wow effect in photos and not being able to use that sometimes makes me feel less impactful as a “fashion icon” as some have labelled me. That’s just the way it is and when I was talking to Fadza about it just now, he nodded but pointed out something interesting.
“But then you’re blessed,” he said smiling.
“Why is that? My ootd photos are less wow,” I argued.
“It depends on your intention. You need people to see your clothes and so do these others fashion influencers. You guys normally want people to see the products, right?” He asked.
“Yes, I need people to see the products,” I confirmed.
“Ok then imagine if your hair takes over the photos and people just look at your hair, and nothing else,” he said.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Don’t you see? You want people to see the clothes etc but whenever you post it, people say oooo where did you do your hair and oooo nice hair, gorgeous hair. And you’re like no no look at my clothes, guys, not my hair.”
I laughed.
“See! So be thankful people look at your clothes. Once you start showing hair, the focus is divided. Then our sales will fall, then you realise you want to wear tudung again.”
Bahahahahahhaha.
He is soooo lame! But ok, I’ll take it.
At the end of the day, we try to always find reason to put ourselves down.
For No 1, I realise that me feeling out of place is just my thoughts. If you ignore those thoughts, start smiling at people, start speaking and engaging in conversations, people see you for who you are.
For No 2, I will always dread beach holidays but nothing fills the joy in my heart more than seeing my family enjoying time together. My kids don’t care if I wear a big shirt or a gorgeous kaftan with thigh high slit. They just want Mommy to play in the sand with them. My husband hates it when I think too much about how I look – he just wants me to join in the fun, Burkini or not. The way he hugs me, looks at me, kisses me, is the same with or without my headscarf on.
For No 3, gorgeous photos mean nothing if they don’t serve the purpose you want. Mine might be to increase sales for local brands, but yours could be different – maybe more followers, maybe more likes on social media, maybe to get more modelling jobs for income. So just check if it does what you want it to. For local brands I talk to, photos that help them convert to higher sales most is always from 2 people – me and Lofa. And both of us wear the headscarf. So bam! What more do I want if my purpose is served?
At the end of the day, turn everything into a positive. Don’t let insecurities doubt your choices in life because your insecurities are just distractions swaying you away from the prize. There will always be days you feel meh, even if you don’t wear the headscarf. That’s why you always need a sense of humour and a reminder on what your purpose really is. And this really applies to anything in life.
#tudungforlyfe
Tbh, I’ve been wearing tudung for 5 years already. And I still have trouble with inconsistencies in my niat; sometimes I just want to take it off, sometimes I’m just amaze how beautiful it looks on me (confidence here).
But I do understand your stance with the beach holiday. I avoid going with anyone I know, including family. I’d rather go alone, so I can freely scuba dive, free dive with my hair out. I love the feeling of water around me, I wasn’t ready to give that up yet.
May Allah make it easy for me one day (soon), insha Allah.
To be honest, I’m struggling with this too, can totally relate to your no. 1 especially. My job takes me to a lot of places worldwide ( i travel a lot) and i speak at conferences where almost all the time i’d be the only muslim in the room. I just recently donned the hijab and sometimes i do feel rather insecure or i ask myself if they are comfortable with having me , a muslim woman with a hijab in the room (NO thanks to ISIS), especially when im in the USA or Europe . I do struggle yes but to keep moving, i keep telling myself, convincing myself that i got to do this regardless, i have a purpose, i want to prove them wrong that Muslims are not terrorist, that we are all just normal people just like them, we can laugh, we can be goofy, women like us work, we are as successful, if not more . Especially to those who doubt us, who look down on us , prove them wrong.
Aww beautifully written! Thanks Vivy for sharing your thoughts on this issue and as a hijabi, I can really relate to it. And yes, “Don’t let insecurities doubt your choices in life”! 🙂
OMG vy, I always have those feeling whenever my friends asked me to go to holiday at the beach. And the first thing came up on my mind was “OMG IT’S TIME FOR BIKINI” . well as you said “I used to be one of girls in swimsuit before” that sentece is what I often said to myself, vy hahaha and then I realized that I should stop thinking about it since I’m hijabi right now. tbh sometimes I miss wearing that bikini, it makes me sad and even worse sometimes I regret it. But suddenly I “istighfar” heheheh. Nice post BTW <3
You just speak my words.
Was having trouble for beach holidays too. This girl is all about beach, snorkeling and sands.
Went to Redang a month ago, enjoying the holiday so much, got minor sunburn from hours in the sea and laying on the beach, well everybody was, so going back from a holiday with tanned skin, my white or fair/pastel colour tudungs have to wait in the drawers for a few months until I get my normal skin tone back. That’s because I just don’t look good in scarves in fair shades with tanned skin. My only options now are warm colour scarves like dusty pink, peach, brown or dark colours like black or navy.
Totally frustrated.
The worse I ever felt is for my wedding. My original skin tone is also not that fair and not that dark either. And I always believe, for you to look good in whatever colour of headscarves is either you have a really dark skin (like mamaks or indians or african) or very fair skin (like chinese or korean or japanese).
Any skin colour in between, it’s pretty hard to find headscarves that will look good on you and match your skin tone. Especially if you are not wearing full makeup on. It just look a bit off, you know. Well, it’s just me. Other girls with mid-tone skin tone like me might be very confident to don every shades of tudung the market can offer, but not me. *sigh*
But I do sometimes feel these ladies don’t really look good in that colour of tudung, but the confidence they have is just wow….it makes me feel bad to actually thinking that way about them.
But look at those tanned girls with their fancy hair, they can rock every single shades of hair, tanned or not, dark or fair skin. It feels effortless.
And I especially like street style, a lil bit edgy, with skinny jeans, sometimes with 3/4 pants, singlet (oklah, contoh paling senang is your ex-Head of Marketing, Veen Dee, I especially LOVE her style), but I just can’t do it because as we know it, it’s not right according to our religion.
But in the end of the day I think, who am I pleasing? Is it myself? My followers? My friends? Strangers? No, right?
It’s Allah. This one “thing” that I believe in is what keeps me going. Although my attire is not near to “perfect” yet, according to His request, but I’m trying and hopefully I can get better and stronger to resist this worldly temptations, insyaAllah. And I’m loving my headscarf more than ever. At least we don’t need to wear hats all day in case of bad hair day hahaha
And not just me, but to all my sisters out there too. *chaiyok*!
ps : Defo agree on the scarf styles. I still can’t accept those belit2 look, including the earing look while donning headscarf. It’s just errrr……… Headscarf should makes you look elegant, not like you are wearing costume.
I also faced the same problems vivy,perhaps all of us who just started wearing hijab. But one thing I did realized the different wearing hijab is u feel secured from man who has “mata keranjang” 🙂
What I like about this particular blog is the honesty. You are being honest about your insecurities and doubts when donning hijab. I feel you about the beach holiday thing. I want so badly to have my second honeymoon with my hubby in Bali or Phuket. A beachy kind of thing. But the thought of him looking at ladies with bikinis or sexy beach attire…that really stops me. And whenever I go for holidays at the beach…I always find problems in packing my clothes as I want to still jaga my aurat…I have reached the stage where now I where socks and bigger hijab. But I still want to look good especially for my hubby.
So I truly feel you regarding this issue.
It’s a good thing then your best friend designed some cool swimwear which you can wear on your next beach holiday… soon launching on http://www.olloum.com and FV haha free advert 😛
yep, experienced that insecurity during international conferences/seminars…but the good thing is, networking becomes easier as they remember us the most, thanks to tudung haha.
I dont really care about what other ppl think about my fashion sense as long as im comfortable with my attire. Big shirt? No hal. Tudung senget? No hal. Tudung macam makcik2? No hal. Tudung takde brand? No problem. As long as it covers my aurat then it’s good. And as long as my husband doesnt complain, it’s all good. The key is to stay confident 😛
Yup. Its the trouble we face when we think too much of what people say/ think of us rather than what Allah says. #selfreminder
Hello maybe you’ve forgotten what u wrote years ago here
It’s this post : http://www.proudduck.com/2011/05/fashion-in-religion/
And yes i think at the end of the day it’s all boil down to our intention. Wearing hijab is an inner struggle to most, if not all of us, isn’t it? God knows we’re struggling to tick all the boxes right to the meaning of hijab. Baby ducky steps, remember? Hehe.
I love your ootd especially one with sleeveless top. You would wear white shirt in and the top. It always looks very elegant and stylish.
It doesn’t look ‘try-hard’
You also inspired new hijabis on how to be fashionable while wearing tudung. Btw, Fadza is exactly right 🙂
At the end of the day, it is Allah that we want to please by covering our aurah. No one else matter 🙂 Sending you lots of love may He help us to keep istiqamah insyaAllah.
But vivy, if u dont wear the hijab, you wouldn’t have been inspired to create Duck! And what a phenomenon Duck has been! Haha
On another note, I totally agree with the second point coz I am also not a fan of the burkini. But hey, as long as I’m covering my aurat and still get to swim, I’m not gonna complain. Just enjoy it 😊
As for wearing hijab overseas, I lived in the uk for 13 years and I never had any racism remarks addressed to me. In fact, the locals there were always impressed by how this hijabi girl can speak English fluently and also a doctor. Why don’t we be the ones to break all those stereotypes eh? 💪
Hello vivy! Personally, I think you are so beautiful in hijab. The way you style duckscarves is simple and beautiful. You also inspire me to wear hijab as simple as i can and i love all your ootd with hijab. You look good in everything vivy. You nailed it girl even with hijab. 🙂
In my case right now, I’m getting tired and more tired with all the hijab styles.how? I am feeling so meh these days, and it tooks me longer to get ready every morning.suddenly I hate all the tudung that I have.I’ve been wearing hijab for 12 years now.started wearing bawal,after 2 years I stopped and only wear shawls and instants and I really follow all the up-to-date styles, I am currently wearing dUCk,but suddenly feels so sick with shawls, I feel like “i look fat in it” “i look bad in it” “sick of the same style” and so I bought the square.but still feeling so meh.”it will be really easy if i can just go out like this(freehair)” is now my everyday thought every morning.that’s really bad I know! I ask Allah to help me, protect me and guide me in my prayers coz I’m so confused right now =(
Is it weird that I feel so teary reading this. I mean your writing is almost always hilarious, and this particular post is especially funny, but in between the lines, I feel, I know,your struggle. Don’t we all? Thank you for sharing with us..it is so uplifting and inspiring that someone as successful,and beautiful as you feels the same insecurities as many of us but you just keep on going and pushing yourself every single day (and not to worry, pretty sure you look fab than most of us even on days you feel ugly haha). May Allah always bless you and purify your intentions in everything you do. You are, truly, an inspiration. You go girl! You’re unstoppable
Hi V, Thanks for this article. I work in a big global company & I am perhaps the only female wearing a HIJAB in the whole company. So I always feel insecure when we have global offsite & meeting. Reading what you wrote, made me self reflect & that its okay for me to feel the way I feel. Thank you for representing us working females in tudung, especially your stint in Stanford, amazing. Continue to shine like the star you are. 🙂
Hi, Vy. Been a silent reader of this blog for so long, and now is the first time that I’m commenting.
I truly resonate with this post. I understand your struggle. And I appreciate and admire that you’re so open about this, as some people are so embarrassed to admit that they are struggling with the hijab, even after years of wearing it.
I’ve been wearing it for a year plus now. I’ve had the intention for a long while, but I’m always delaying it, because I always think I look way better without the hijab. Also I kinda like my hair, it is naturally wavy and has a brownish tint. I used to wear revealing outfits. I used to go to the club. I used to think wearing the hijab will restrict me in SO many things in life.
But all of that changed the moment I decided I am going to cover up. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made in life.
Frankly, I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt more liberated. I suppose it’s good to have those thoughts that you’re having, for it serves as a reminder to us to keep on going, to trace back our intention to the first time we wore it. To remember how beautiful it was when you first wrapped that hijab around your head.
As someone who doesn’t wear the hijab and isn’t Muslim, I can’t personally relate to everything you listed BUT I can safely say I’ve felt no. 1 on many occasions, best thing to do is just remember why you’re somewhere and that you have loved ones and friends who accept you for you when you’re home, and that most people can be quite accepting and tolerant. Also, I love your OOTDs, the poses, the way you match your clothes everything! And I was the girl who exclusively wore short dresses and skirts before, but I’ve actually started wearing more “modest” (ahem) fashion because of you!!
Hi V,
I can totally relate to the social pressure topic! Living abroad for a few years.. unfortunately, made me take my hijab off 🙁 (not proud tbh..). The thing is, I lived in a country that everywhere I go with hijab on, people STARE. It made me really uncomfortable. It wasn’t just me though, a few other Malaysians got stared at too. My dad was okay with my decision, although mom was against it. I still prayed five times a day and wore long sleeves, just w/out my hijab on. It also didn’t help when people told me I looked totally “different” without hijab, as in much prettier because of my hair!
Came back to Malaysia and mom forced me to wear hijab again. I was against it at first, but as an obedient daughter (and the only one!), I still wore the hijab to please her. Alhamdulillah, realisation hit me and I started wearing it again because of Him. I realized that I don’t need to please others, just Him. Who cares if I have nice hair? It’s from Him anyway, He can take it back whenever He wants to! What else will be left for my husband if everyone has seen everything? And ever since I started wearing my hijab, I get cat-called less! (which is amazing).
For beachwear, I simply wear a black top with inner and swimming pants every time I go swimming! Still with my hijab on though. It was a bit uncomfortable of course, but it made me feel better that guys couldn’t see anything even if they stare.
At the end of the day, all of us have to remember that it’s Him we want to please 🙂
It’s okay dear.. We all human being and we can’t escape from temptation to do things that are forbidden by Him..
I beg to differ, Vivy. I don’t think the 3 OOTD posts in a row is cool AT ALL . In fact, I dreaded it so much when you started doing it, it was such a bore. Less is more! Pick one good shot and stick to it! Let others yearn for more deets of your outfits by leaving room for more inquisition. #justsaying #butitsyourinstagramacccountattheendoftheday #arentlonghashtagsannoyingorwhat?
Hi Vivy, thanks for writing this column. The topic had been on my mind and someone even asked me about it today. I started wearing tudung same time as you. It was a constant struggle I guess the usual things you go through when you “hijrah” but unfortunately it lasted only 2 years for me. I do hope it goes back to that one day, InsyaAllah. Just wanted you to know you never had a bad photo to me, I’d buy all the clothes you ootd-ed if I could, and just design the burqini already girl, it will be a hit! Xx
Assalamualaikum and Hi! I live in a non muslim country with my family, and we have been living here for almost a decade. I have two pretty daughters age 8 and 6. I could tell you yes it is not easy when people look at you with a weird expression, you feel very uneasy whenever you step in Starbucks or a train and people seem like to distance themselves from you, there were times when they even spit at you, but hey.. we are not here because of these people. We are here because of Allah. Allah makes us with beautiful hair, beautiful face. Allah asks us to cover the gift He gives us. There must be at least a reason for this. Is it wrong? We won’t be that pretty if not because of Allah.. so ask ourselves. Why must I be so arrogant when all of these are gifts from Allah? Even my kids know the limit. They know they are muslim. They go swimming with ‘muslimah swimwear’. They themselves ask me to buy for them decent swimwear. If my kids who is currently living in non muslim country can value the religion, why cant us, the adults living in a so called muslim country?
hi, vivy. i’m not a fan of burkini either.. the part of attaching the head-cover and the outfit (it just looks weird to me. but hey, diff ppl hv diff preferences may be). i opt wearing separated outfit and headscarf for swimming. for ur dilemma, i hope that you’ll find a way in making a syariah-compliance outfits look good and fashionable at the same time.. without needing to take off the scarves.
I start wearing hijab last ramadhan… The exact feeling & thought that i have.. Atleast i know im not alone 🙂
Duck – Fluff square scarf for beach maybe? #justsaying
Hi Vivy, thanks for sharing! I’m studying in the USA for 4 years now and TBH I feel proud donning my hijab. I didn’t feel that I need to fit it. I’m proud that I’m a Muslim woman and still can be in the same room with others that are also pursuing their doctorate. I feel that Allah gives me the opportunity to show that Islam is beautiful and women has the same right as men in Islam. AllahuAkbar. Good luck V! And again, thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂
Motivating Vivy.. Thanks for the reminder.
Love you tagline: #tudungforlyfe 😀
Sokay vivy, wearing hijab, u will get the blessing from Allah too.. save ur beautiful just for ur husband.. he will feel special.. may Allah bless u and all those thoughts are from Shaytan.. u shud avoid from thinking about it and quickly istighfar.. hehe.. u r really inspiring
Frankly u said it out loud what deserves a scream out of my lung but in Vy sense. I always thought to myself, ‘if I don’t wear scarf perhaps I could cover my swollen cheek and much volume hair would be like u said vavavooomm; or what if I go to concert and wearing scarf just feels off. Beach 🏖 is nicer is one piece’
And then again, finding a positive take out of it is better.
tudung is about modesty but somehow nowadays there’s a pressure/trend if u wear tudung must look bergaya / style (hijabista whatnot). thus why tudung ratus2 easily sold out. gone were the days when the tudung is a simple tudung sarung or tudung 3 segi ikat belakang when u wore it with niat to tutup aurat and not because to look stylist. sad but true.
Don’t be to proud saying we used to be a girl in bikini back then. Shame on us.
i am 16 years old and i literally struggling w hijab.it is so hard for me to style the hijab especially me being muslim has to cover my chest. i wanted to cover my chest perfectly but it is so hard to not look ‘selekeh’ while covering it. hehe i do know my grammar is not perfect but hey at least i try right? ><
Firman Allah: “Wahai Nabi, katakanlah kepada isteri-isterimu, anak-anak perempuanmu dan isteri-isteri orang Mukmin, “Hendaklah mereka melabuhkan jilbabnya ke seluruh tubuh mereka !” Yang demikian itu supaya mereka lebih mudah untuk dikenal, karena itu mereka tidak di ganggu. dan Allâh adalah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang. [Surah Al-Ahzab 33:59]
Wanita yang tidak menutup auratnya diancam tidak akan mencium bau syurga sebagaimana yang di riwayatkan oleh Abu Hurairah Radhiyallahuanhu beliau berkata :
“Rasûlullâh Shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam bersabda, “Ada dua golongan dari penduduk neraka yang belum pernah aku lihat: (yang pertama adalah) Suatu kaum yang memiliki cambuk seperti ekor lembu untuk memukul manusia dan (yang kedua adalah) para wanita yang berpakaian tapi telanjang, berpaling dari ketaatan dan mengajak lainnya untuk mengikuti mereka, kepala mereka seperti bonggol unta yang senget. Wanita seperti itu tidak akan masuk syurga dan tidak akan mencium baunya, walaupun baunya tercium selama perjalanan sekian dan sekian.” [HR. Muslim, no. 2128]
Dalam riwayat lain Abu Hurairah menjelaskan. bahwasanya aroma Syurga boleh dicium dari jarak 500 tahun. [HR. Malik dari riwayat Yahya Al-Laisiy, no. 1626]
ittaqillah!