Fadza is the type that gets flu very easily and he sneezes like five consecutive times in a row. Again he got it recently and so off to the clinic we went for a checkup. He had to go for an X-Ray and while waiting to see the doctor again, I went downstairs to get something. When I came up, Fadza to my surprise came out of the doctor’s office already and he said nonchalantly, “I have to go for a surgery in a bit.”

“I’m sorry, you have to what now?”

I paused. I swear I only went down to get something so quickly, I come back up and he’s signed up for Thursday Surgery Special? How long was I gone for??

I wouldn’t just let him go for it without me knowing what it is first so I asked to see the doctor again. The doctor smiled knowingly as I came in through his door. Ah, wives and girlfriends, the kancheong ones. “Ok, let me explain this to your wife this time…” the doctor ever so patiently started to draw stuff to me. I don’t really get it but basically he’s got to take some bad stuff out and he’s got to straighten something that was crooked.

I looked at him and studied his face.

“Don’t worry, I do this everyday. I’m a certified doctor.”

What… I didn’t say anything also…

“He will be unconscious a bit during the procedure….”

Ah this didn’t sit well with me. On one hand, I want him to not feel the pain during the surgery. On the other hand, I want him to be fully awake and not “sleeping”. We’ve all heard those horror stories of people not waking up after being put under, haven’t we? That ain’t happening today, NA-AH DOCTOR?!

“Your husband is going to be fine, don’t worry.” he said in the end, probably after hearing my mind speak to him silently.

A couple hours later, I found myself walking with Mak along the hospital hallway on the way to the Operation Theatre.

Fadza was being wheeled in front of me and I had a huge lump in my throat. No, watermelon. Huge watermelon-sized lump in my throat. He knew I was nervous and I didn’t want that to make him nervous so I smiled cheerfully and squeezed his feet. He smiled back, with such calm in his eyes. I could feel tears coming but I held back not wanting him to see that I was scared.

Mak gave him a kiss and I squeezed his legs before he went in. I wanted Mak to have him to herself. I mean, hello, if this was Daniel and Daniel’s wife kept hogging him, I’d push her aside and tell her to beat it. Mom > wife. So I stepped back. I gave him a big smile as the sliding doors opened for him. As the doors were closing, I totally lost my cool.

“Nurse, don’t give too much of that GA thing ok?!! Nanti overdose bahaya!” I called out to them.

Did that nurse just roll her eyes at me?!

The moment the sliding doors closed, the words Operation Theatre stared at me.

And I just burst out crying. All the fear that I kept inside just burst out and I was sobbing. Mak saw me cry and she sobbed too. Both us sobbing women went into the elevator to go up, then realised we wanted to get snacks downstairs so we went down (the hospital kerepek bawang is legit, I got three packs), then went back upstairs, still sobbing. I immediately took out the prayer mat and started praying. In my mind, Fadza was all alone in the room with strangers not having his loved one by his side, and now they were probably preparing to inject him with the GA, and he must be feeling so nervous but trying to be strong. And I just bawled thinking about him. I was sobbing while praying and I kept having to wipe my tears. My doa that Asar prayer was literally just “Please God, please please please let Fadza wake up later, please please please pretty please.” God was all I had.

I can’t describe the feeling I had this evening, the feeling of having your husband’s life in another human being’s skill. So many what-ifs came to mind – what if he doesn’t wake up, what if the nurse gave wrong medication, what if the doctor got tired halfway and collapsed, what if they run out of kerepek bawang downstairs should I get another one, what if I didn’t tell Fadza enough that I love him?

I know what you’re thinking – Vivy, your husband is just getting some snot removed. -___-”

WHATEVER OK. You may have a point, but the fear is there nonetheless ok?!

I looked at his hospital bed, all empty. I missed him. I missed him so much. I can just picture his smile, his kind smile, his loving smile. What if I no longer get to see that smile? I remember the warmth of his arms hugging me tight. What if I no longer get to feel that warmth?

I cried some more next to his empty bed.

Is it weird if I lie on the hospital bed and smell his pillow until he comes back?

Ok ok, I draw the line there – that’s weird, Vivy, you shouldn’t do that.

Fine.

For the next 3 hours, I tried to keep myself busy but I swear it felt like the clock wasn’t moving fast enough. It’s like 3 years have passed and the clock hand just moved a cm to play tricks on you.

The hospital room door opened and I jumped. That’s him, he’s back!!!!

“Saya nak hantar makanan ye, cik,” a lady came in to send in a tray.

POTONG STIM, MAN. I DON’T WANT FOOD, LADY! I WANT MY HUSBAND.

But ooh chicken rice. This place is fancyyyy.

You can put it over there, I’ll eat it later, thank you kind lady.

Mak and I sat and watched TV – a cooking show for kids on TV Al-Hijrah (who knew they had cooking shows on that channel!) and then a forum talk show thing about death… *change channel*

After what felt like hours, the door opened and there they wheeled my husband in. I jumped up and my heart was beating so fast. I saw him open his eyes and my heart just flew back in from the basement parking right into my chest. (So dramatic I know but wouldn’t that be a cool movie scene?!)

He’s awake. He’s conscious. Alhamdulillah. I kissed him and even groggy, he smiled at me. He was very weak but he searched for my hand and intertwined my fingers with his. God, I love this guy so much, swollen and all. This really is love and thank You, Allah for answering my prayers just now. My husband is back! I’m writing this as he sleeps now, snoring because he’s got wires and cotton pads up his nostrils, but just tonight, his snoring is like beautiful music to my ears.

P/S: Drugs are so powerful, man. He says yes to everything. So far, I’ve gotten a handbag, a spa session, a holiday with my girlfriends… gonna try for a pony later.