First trimester was awful. Everyday, I was basically a horizontal zombie with a few clingy companions: nausea, headache, back pain and Sarah. Oh, very gassy too, which you know, is a sexy cherry on top. #luckyfadza #menwhomarryforlooksreallydontknowwhatscoming

Second trimester now is so much better. The only thing I have is back pain and a constant urge to eat ais kacang. So random. Back pain I’m solving by making Fadza massage me – and we’re in lockdown now so he has nowhere to run. Whoopee! And ais kacang, I’m ordering it daily that I really feel if Grab was a healthy person, Grab is judging my order history like nobody’s business.

One thing I really do enjoy this pregnancy is having Fadza with me constantly. Despite the grumbles of having to massage me so much (I mean, Cikyah does 2 hours but hey no one’s keeping scores) and having sore thumbs (I mean, I have sore back, sore head, sore legs, sore *insert any body part* from carrying his 4th child here but hey again, no one’s keeping scores), he really does give me so much support. I vomited last night and he stayed up to attend to me. And he fluffs my pillows and gives me kisses randomly throughout the day. He rubs my tummy and doesn’t make “Whoa what’d you have for lunch” jokes. #muchappreciated

And the latest – he got me Mama Mio!

This cream brings back such memories of the first pregnancy with Daniel. We were so excited (swear we were excited for you too, Mariam and Sarah) that we bought all sorts of cream and other stuff that were so unnecessary like leg cream, boob cream… stuff that we totally don’t need but we’re so kancheong that whatever people tell us we need, we will buy. I mean, Mama Mio said Madonna uses this. #addtocart First time pregnant women are easy targets at the baby section in department stores haha.

Just thought I’d blog about it because (a) Fadza is so sweet and (b) the cream is so nostalgic. Can’t believe it’s the 4th round for us, baby. 🙂

PSA: Cream doesn’t work. I applied like crazy for all pregnancies and STILL got stretchmarks. But let’s not tell Fadza this, it’ll crush his heart.

2018: When I was pregnant with Sarah.

“This is the last baby, ok?” Fadza asks me, almost like a non-question.

“Uh-huh,” I say to him with a smile.

“No, I’m serious sayang. Three kids is just nice. This is our last baby,” he says to me, eyes not blinking.

“Ok,” I say to him with a smile.

“Why are you smiling? I’m serious!” Fadza says.

“Ok, ok, very serious.” I reply ending the conversation.

Today, in 2021:

TA-DAAAAA!!!!!!!

I’m pregnant again! Baby No. 4 is coming, Insyaallah 🙂

Our “last” baby again.

It’s lockdown again in Malaysia because cases have been so high. But to be honest, the entire family and I have been self-quarantining for weeks prior already. I’m so paranoid because my parents are high-risk so I don’t let anyone see them or us, and none of us leave the house also.

Fadza’s been so mopey because he’s so used to working out outside, cycling, running etc. I direct him to the dUCk yoga mats now. He sulks but he knows it’s for the best. Wife knows best.

I gotta admit though, it’s been mentally draining just staying home. We live in an apartment with 7 people in it and there is just stuff EVERYWHERE. All these 7 people have so many things, and it doesn’t help that one of them (may or may not be me) has sooooo many clothes, shoes, bags, books, and all of the tiny stuff that is related to all of the above. I tried decluttering today which relieved me a bit. I can see more floor space now yay.

Every night after the kids sleep, Fadza and I will spend time together and this usually means F.R.I.E.N.D.S. marathon in the living room. Coupled with Homescapes marathon in one hand, and lots of snacks in the other hand, our backs slouched lazily on the couch. We are going to come out of Lockdown

a) fat, and

b) with incredibly bad posture.

It’s really bad, guys, and super unhealthy. And it really doesn’t help us not feeling very inspired for anything.

So I suggested that we need to mix things up a little, spice things up (not what you’re thinking). Some nights we can do this lazing on couch, but some nights we should sit on the balcony and talk, some nights we should eat together just the 2 of us, some nights we can read quietly together, some nights we can refold all my scarves and colour-coordinate them…. ok, can’t blame a wife for trying.

Tonight, we decided to talk a walk downstairs. Full on masked up, and not touching anything or anyone (there was barely anyone anyway), we just did 10 rounds around the apartment area and just held hands and talked. Then we sat on the stairs and just talked some more. It was really really nice. Got some fresh air (on our arms…) and got to spend quality time, away from everyone else.

So for husband-wives out there, take some time to mix it up a little during this time. It’s hard enough being mentally drained and feeling suffocated in the house (worse if you have kids), so make sure you still treat each other with love and lean on each other for support.

We’re back in our living room now.

Homescapes in one hand, and a potato chip on the other.

I guess some things will take time. Teehee.

Me: Mariam, could you get Mommy some water please?

Forth time I’m asking her to get me something today teehee. Water, charger, phone charging in the room… it’s the right of a mom, really. After all that giving birth drama and sleepless nights….

Mariam (getting up and grumbling): Why do I always have to get stuff for you?

Me (calling out to her back): Maybe because I’m your mom and I carried you for nine months and I never complained.

Fadza (looks at me, raises eyebrows): Never complained?

Me (whispering): Shhhh, she doesn’t have to know.

Why must husbands remember EVERYTHING?

A parcel arrived this week and thinking it was my Pangaia sweats (I’m been buying so many of those, but I need to stop because 1) my bank account is shouting at me and 2) they are not flattering at all for petite girls like me).

I ripped the parcel open and it wasn’t that. I looked at the contents and sat down, quiet.

It was a bunch of Mariam’s Year 1 books that I ordered online from the school bookshop last week. I was in between meetings when I ordered them on my laptop and didn’t think much of it because I was rushing. But now, holding them physically… so many emotions going through my body. My baby is going to Year 1??? Is this really happening? First Daniel, now Mariam?! *looks up* Soon Sarah too, right?!! Stop fastforwarding the time and think we don’t notice!

Just the other day I looked at Mariam’s old videos, her in a cute little kaftan and pigtails saying “No fo-toe, Mommy, no fo-toe.” She hated the camera. But I snuck and filmed anyway, and you’re welcome Mariam because otherwise you’d have no childhood memories. -___-” She drove me nuts as a toddler (she still does, actually…) but it’s always the difficult ones that really steal your heart you know? It’s unfair. She made me cry many times with her stubbornness and Fadza often had to step in and “counsel” the both of us because Mariam refuses to apologise. Saying sorry was one of her least favourite activity.

Mariam’s Hate List

1. Dr Musa (the wonderful doctor who gives her vaccine jabs, poor guy).
2. Saying sorry to Mommy.

That’s it, 2 things.

Now she’s turned 5 in February. She’s 5, going on 15. And turning into a lovely little lady. She comes to me while I’m reading, and just lies on my stomach. She is the first to run to me “Mommy, you’re homeeee!” and give me a hug at the door (To be fair, Sarah runs too but she has shorter legs..). She wrote me a card recently “Mommy, I love you. You are the best mommy in the family” which I hung up on the fridge door.

I mean, you gotta hang up art, guys.

I asked her why “in the family” only?! And she told me later she wanted to write “world” but didn’t know how to spell it. Naaawwwwwwwwww, staphhhhhh. *blush*

She likes girly things now and keeps saying she has a boyfriend named Jayden (It’s not gonna last. He’s vegetarian.). She likes pink stationery and crafts like making necklaces from beads. Thank you for answering my prayers, God. She likes necklaces now. *wipes one tear* And lately she’s been obsessed with this YouTube channel of this boy teenager that has music videos. I caught her commenting on his video saying “I. LOVE. THIS.” Bahahahahaahaha. I wanted to laugh. Not just because it’s so cute, but because she uses Fadza’s account.

I made her delete it to save Fadza’s life. Hahahah.

But sorry baby, who knows what other “I. LOVE. THIS.” comments “you” have peppered all over the teenage YouTube world. Can’t save you there.

Anyway, back to the Year 1 books. As I clutched them, Mariam came in. In my eyes, she looked like a 16 year old! Stop it, Mariam. Stop growing up so fast.

“Ooooohhh Mommy, are those my Year 1 books?”

No. I should say No. I should tell her the school bookshop is closed. I should tell her school is closed and Year 1 is canceled forever!

“Yep. These are your books,” I said softly, forcing a smile.

“YAYYYY! Can we go through them Mommy? Can I see?” as she took them and flipped through the pages.

I stroke her hair and kissed her head. Whispering “Nooooo” but she couldn’t hear me.

“Mommy, what happens in Year 1? Will I be ok?” she asks me, with big eyes.

“You’re gonna be just fine, sweetheart.” I kissed her.

Mommy, on the other hand, will need some time.,. maybe a decade. :((((((

TISSUE!!!!! GET ME SOME TISSUE!!!!!!